Post by Jman2k3 on Aug 5, 2019 13:18:42 GMT
Brian McVay: The following contest…..is for the HOW Tag Team Championships. The winning team will be the one that secure the tag titles that are hanging above each ring inside the cell!!!
The crowd roars at the mere mention of a ladder match as the camera slowly pans up from Brian McVay to show each belt hanging high above one of the two war games rings. The ominous cage surrounding each championship belt, almost acting as a vault surrounding each belt.
The arena turns pitch black. The sound of a shell cracking accompanies a golden beam; hitting what seems like a random section of the crowd. A second beam of the same color, also introduced with a corresponding crack hits another.
Then another.
CRACK!
And another.
CRACK!
As more yellow beams continue to strike the crowd, they start dancing around in sporadic patterns.
“Yoke the Joker” by Naughty by Nature hits the speakers.
Joe Hoffman: This folks isn’t going to be a war. It’s not even going to be a match. Expect this one to be a train wreck. 12 men. 6 teams. 2 belts. 1 winning combination.
Benny Newell begins punching away on a calculator.
Benny Newell: How’d you do that math so fast?
Joe Hoffman: Because I’m not trying to type 8008135 on it.
The Egg Bandits emerge onto the top of the ramp. The Maestro of COOL, Cool Jiles stops at the top, gazing out at the gathered Octabandits before him. His golden locks are slicked back, his precious shades are nowhere to be seen, and as it turns out, his eyes are brown. The Dooze, doing his best brisk-walk out from behind his Bandit brother, takes a few steps past him before stopping dead in his tracks to take in the metallic scenery.
Both men have come dressed for war. Fatigues, black boots, and brand spanking new camouflage Egg Bandit t-shirts. On sale now!
Jiles even has a World War 2 helmet on, probably in an attempt to protect his hair.
Not wasting anymore time, The Maestro of COOL starts to head down the ramp. He taps Doozer on his left shoulder, and then breaks off behind him to the right. Quickly, Doozer spins around to see no one, but he certainly can hear his brother of the yolk laughing in the distance.
Joe Hoffman: These guys seem pretty loose.
Benny Newell: We’ll see how long that lasts for.
The Egg Bandits make their way into the ring and look up at the championship belts. The two look at each other as if taking in the moment, realizing what they are about to get themselves into.
Joe Hoffman: You have to believe that right now, the edge has to go to the Egg Bandits. Cool Jiles is a former Tag Team Champion and The Egg Bandits have had success with each other in tag team action outside of HOW.
Benny Newell: You think this match will be over, easy?
Joe Hoffman: I’m not say—-I’m not going to dignify that.
Benny Newell: What? Not looking on the sunny side of things?
“Perfect Insanity” by Disturbed hits and the crowd roar as Brian Hollywood and Jace Savage make their way to the entrance ramp. Both men taunt the crowd and point at the hanging championships before motioning around their waist.
Joe Hoffman: Don’t forget the well regarded run Brian Hollywood had as a member of Sex and Money with the titles. The unknown factor of Jace Savage could play into this match.
Benny Newell: Oh look, it’s Sexless and Money.
Hollywood and Savage slowly enter the ring staring directly at the Bandits, who are smirking back. Hollywood points at the Bandits, then the belts, then himself. The Egg Bandits pretend they are scared before flipping off Hollywood who moves in before Joel Hortega holds Hollywood back.
Benny Newell: Don’t let them start cracking shells.
Joe Hoffman: Don’t start! You have to wonder what happened to Jace Savage’s hand as it looks taped up?
Benny Newell: Probably chafed it from masturbating to pictures of himself.
“You’re The Best” by Joe Esposito plays as Benny spits out his drink.
Benny Newell: Mike? PLEASE?!?!
The crowd boos and then looks stunned as Mike Best does not walk out. Rather, Robert Dean and Crash Rodriguez walk out.
Joe Hoffman: No, it’s Robert Dean and Crash Rodriguez. And judging from the look of it Robert Dean has been uh…..
Benny Newell: Bulking up.
Joe Hoffman: Actually, he looks like he’s dropped a few. What do you think is the strategy for slimming down for a ladder match?
Benny Newell: Nothing. He’s a fat fuck who loves to eat. He probably ate nothing but Twinkies and dipped them in a vat of lard. He probably restricted himself to 20 instead of his normal 30.
Rodriguez helps Dean into the ring as the Egg Bandits are practically doubling over laughing at the site of Dean. Hortega helps Dean disrobe as members of the audience audibly gasp.
Benny Newell: Is that a fucking baker’s dozen? I’ve never seen so many rolls.
Joe Hoffman: Just… just move on.
“World’s Greatest” by R. Kelly hits as the crowd boos loudly as Johnny O’Dell and Scott Stevens make their way to the ring. Both men come out carrying a bench.
Benny Newell: What the fuck am I supposed to do? I love O’Dell because he beat the shit out of Kostoff but I hate Stevens because he’s FUCKING SCOTT STEVENS!
Joe Hoffman: The Benchwarmers are here and look primed to go. Scott Stevens is a former World Champion and Johnny O’Dell just beat HOW Hall of Famer Kostoff a few weeks ago. That’s gotta be some psychological advantage.
Benny Newell: My hopes rest on O’Dell delivering another fucking beating to that shit head Kostoff! Maybe he can drive Kostoff’s fucking suitcase head into the bench.
Before Benny can continue his rant, the lights go out.
Benny Newell: Why do the lights go out on every fucking entrance?
“Bow Down” by I Prevail hits as the crowd erupts into cheers.
Darin Zion and Noah Hanson make their way out to the entrance ramp. Noah glares at Zion with a quizzical look. He starts pointing to the arena and then his ears.
Joe Hoffman: Rumors have been swirling that Zion and Hanson were arguing in the back about which entrance music to come out to. You gotta believe that Hanson is not happy Zion’s music is playing right now.
Benny Newell: It’s fucking entrance music. Who gives a shit? Besides, both their music is shitty. They could come out to fucking Barbie Girl for all I care.
Zion holds his hands out as if to reassure Hanson. He nods and points to the ring. Both men circle the ring before standing on opposite sides of the ring. They immediately dig under the ring as the other teams bail to the outside. All five teams begin brawling as Hortega looks confused momentarily. He tries to restore some order but shrugs his shoulders and calls for the bell.
Joe Hoffman: Kostoff and Witness haven’t even arrived yet and Hortega has started the match!
Benny Newell: Fucking cowards! I knew they wouldn’t show!
The War Games cage begins to lower with the belts hanging high.
Joe Hoffman: My God, Benny! If they don’t get inside the cage, they’ll be locked out!
Benny Newell: GOOD! FUCKING LOWER IT FASTER!
The Egg Bandits are the first to notice the cage and abandon the fight. They slide into the ring waiting for the cage. Hortega is cursing in Spanish trying to warn the teams to enter the ring. The Benchwarmers notice next and throw their bench into the ring. The Egg Bandits move out of the way. The Benchwarmers slide in and begin trading punches with the Bandits.
The cage is now halfway down.
With two teams away, Savage and Hollywood slide in too. Hanson and Zion belt it into the ring and join in on the all out carnage in the ring.
Benny Newell: Must go faster! Must go faster! Gogogogogogogogo!
Crash Rodriguez dives in as Bobby Dean struggles.
The cage is lowering and is getting close to the ground. Bobby Dean tries to enter the ring and Hortega is motioning for him to hurry.
With just enough room, Bobby Dean rolls under the lowering cage and Hortega breaths a sigh of relief.
Benny Newell: DO A BARREL ROLL! BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!
Joe Hoffman: Too close!
Crowd: L-O-D! L-O-D! L-O-D!
The lights go out and before a single note is played the crowd erupts into thunderous cheers, shaking the entire arena.
Benny Newell: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THE FUCKING MATCH STARTED!
“Wolf Totem” by The Hu hits as the lights quickly illuminate showing Kostoff and Silent Witness in the ring.
The other five teams turn and begin charging the two members of the Legion of Darkness. Throwing hands at their opponents, Witness and Kostoff begin taking down team members one by one. The crowd is roaring in approval as the Legion seems to be hitting anything that moves. One by one, members begin to roll away. Witness and Kostoff quickly spin and almost hit each other before smirking and then nodding. Witness rolls out of the ring and goes under the ring, he grabs a ladder and hoists it in between the ropes. Kostoff grabs the ladder and sets it up against the turnbuckle. Kostoff looks for the nearest living body and finds Noah Hanson. Kostoff picks Hanson up onto his shoulder. Kostoff backs up against the opposite turnbuckle and runs but Noah Hanson wiggles free and shoves Kostoff sternum first into the ladder. Noah quickly goes in, grabs Kostoff by the back of the head, and begins bashing it in to the ladder.
Witness goes to slide into the ring but is stopped. Witness is pulled back and spins around to see Darin Zion. Zion kicks Witness in the gut and suplexes him outside of the ring. Bobby Dean is up and Hanson starts barking orders at him. Dean nods as Hanson and Dean go to the opposite turnbuckle. Dean whips Hanson who stops, reverses and whips Dean as hard as he can. Dean crashes into Kostoff’s back as the crowd vicariously feels Kostoff’s pain. Dean backs up Kostoff falls to the mat and the ladder lands right on top of him. Deans bounces off the ropes and hits a splash onto the ladder on top of Kostoff.
Joe Hoffman: I am in awe right now. We’ve barely begun and have had a match start without one team, the cage almost lower on top of a couple of wrestlers, and….
Benny Newell: And Bobby Dean moving like a fucking cruiserweight!
Zion slides into the ring and begins double teaming Bobby Dean with Noah Hanson. Crash Rodriguez slides in behind the two and clubs Zion in the back of the head. Zion stumbles out of the ring as Crash now trades blows with Noah Hanson. Bobby Dean finally rolls out of the ring and inadvertently land right on top of Darin Zion. Zion gasps as all the breath is being driven out of him.
Joe Hoffman: Zion’s back could be broken from that splash from Bobby Dean!
CRACK! CRACK!
The Egg Bandits crack two chairs across the faces of Crash Rodriguez and Noah Hanson.
Benny Newell: They just scrambled their brains!
The Egg Bandits continue wailing on Hanson and Rodriguez until they aren’t moving. Jiles grabs the ladder that was used to hurt Kostoff and sets it up in the ring. He begins climbing as Doozer jumps out of the ring and goes to grab another ladder.
Jiles is halfway up when he takes a club to the back from Brian Hollywood. Jiles tries to bat Hollywood away with his foot but Hollywood grabs Jiles’ leg, twists and hits the mat with a modified Dragon Screw. Jiles grabs his knee in pain. Hollywood grabs Jiles’ leg again, twists, and then hits a leg drop right across the knee.
Joe Hoffman: Great prowess from Hollywood to take out the knee of Jiles. That’ll hinder his ability to climb the ladder.
Hollywood then flips Jiles over and cinches in a boston crab. Jiles is slapping his WW2 helmet to take his mind off the pain in his leg.
Joe Hoffman: This won’t win the match but it will do wonders to increase the odds of Hollywood and Savage walking out the champs!
Doozer gets the ladder and slides it under the bottom rope into the second ring. He looks at Jiles who motions with his hand to just grab the belt. Ignoring him, Doozer lawn darts the ladder into the side of Hollywood’s head. Hollywood immediately releases the hold and slumps to the side. Jiles begins army crawling away from Hollywood.
Benny Newell: Shades of Christopher America at Normandy!
Doozer then grabs the in ring 1 and re-positions it under the belt. The crowd roars loudly as the camera pans back, showing Scott Stevens and Johnny O’Dell in prime position. Doozer hears the crowd, turns as O’Dell lifts Doozer into a flapjack while Stevens jumps and hits a driving DDT into the mat.
Joe Hoffman: Holy God! What a DDT!
O’Dell immediately goes to Kostoff and picks up right where he left off at Refueled. Stevens boots Jiles out of the ring and then Stevens joins in as if both men were trying to beat respect out of Kostoff. Off screen, a clattering can be heard but O’Dell and Stevens ignore it, consumed by their desire to be respected. Witness slides into the ring and goes to try to stop them but O’Dell and Stevens turn their focus on to him and begin beating him down. The crowd boo as both men taunt the crowd, admiring the fact that they are the lone team standing in the ring. Stevens points at O’Dell and then the championship belt. O’Dell begins to climb as Stevens grabs the other ladder and tosses it into ring two. Stevens moves to ring two and looks back at O’Dell’s progress before his eyes go wide.
Scott Stevens: LOOK OUT!
O’Dell turns and then is flipped and driven into the mat by a hurricanrana by Jace Savage.
Savage wastes no time and immediately follows up by bouncing off the ropes and hitting a snap leg drop right across the neck of O’Dell. Savage immediately gets up and hits another as Stevens is now back in ring one. He goes to charge Savage with a clothesline but Savage ducks. Stevens spins around, eats a boot to the gut, and then is dropped with a DDT.
Savage looks up at the title belt and begins climbing.
The crowd grows louder as Jace Savage is the only one climbing.
RUNG 1
RUNG 2
RUNG 3
Jace reaches for the belt.
RUNG 4
Suddenly, The Egg Bandits, Bobby Dean and Crash Rodriguez, Brian Hollywood, and Silent Witness slide into the ring. The six begin to try to fight their way to the ladder. Bobby Dean’s size is helping to keep a hobbling Cool Jiles at bay. Witness and Rodriguez are trading blows while Hollywood and Doozer go at it. Hollywood gets the better of Doozer and seeing the other members detained, slides out of the ring and grabs another ladder from underneath the ring.
RUNG 5
Jace Savage reaches up and touches the tip of the belt, which jostles it and sends it swinging. Hollywood slides the ladder into the ring under the bottom rope. Jiles slaps Dean flush across the face and then begins chopping away at Dean. Dean staggers before Jiles leaps and hits a drop kick sending Dean flying backwards. Jiles grabs his knee as he falls hard. Dean backs into the ladder and Hollywood looks up as the ladder begins tilting. Savage flies off the ladder and lands balls first on the top rope as the ladder bounces and rests precariously on the top rope.
The audience gasps as Savage’s eyes go wide. He slumps to his side and falls right back out of the ring.
As Hollywood watches in horror, he turns his attention back to the ring just in time to see a ladder fly right at his face. O’Dell and Stevens smirk at each other after hitting a baseball slide into the ladder. Witness gets the upperhand on Rodriguez backing him into the turnbuckle.
RUNG 1
Witness jumps on top of Rodriguez and hits a monkey flip sending Rodriguez flying, the small of his back catching a corner of the of the ladder leg.
Rodriguez spasms in pain.
RUNG 2
Witness notices that Johnny O’Dell has begun climbing in ring one and Stevens in ring two.
Looking at both men, Witness rushes to ring two and grabs Stevens by the back of his tights, yanking him off the ladder.
RUNG 3
Witness hits a quick, stiff clothesline on Stevens. He pulls Stevens up and sees the bench that Stevens and O’Dell brought in. He grabs Stevens head and runs him right into the bench, knocking the bench over and sending Stevens bowling over it.
RUNG 4
In ring one, O’Dell is reaching for the title but isn’t quite there yet.
Joe Hoffman: Witness has got to stop O’Dell!
Witness then grabs Stevens, lifts him into the air and drops him gut first against the edge of the bench.
Crowd: SI-LENT-WIT-NESS! Clap-clap-clapclapclap SI-LENT-WIT-NESS! Clap-clap-clapclapclap SI-LENT-WIT-NESS! Clap-clap-clapclapclap
RUNG 5
O’Dell wraps his fingers around the leather strap.
KRAKOOM!
Benny Newell falls out of his seat, the noise so incredibly loud.
Benny Newell: OH GOD! THEY FOUND ME!
Joe Hoffman: WHAT THE—-
Johnny O’Dell’s back arches and he falls like a dead tree in the forest. As he hits the mat, he looks up and sees the towering frame of Kostoff holding a chair. Kostoff looks incensed as he lifts the chair high above his head and drives it right into the gut of O’Dell.
Joe Hoffman: Those chair shots! WHAT FORCE!
KRAKOOM! KRAKOOM!
As if bombs were exploding, Kostoff’s rage is fueling every chair shot.
Witness shows a half-smile and then positions the ladder in ring two underneath the title. Kostoff points at Witness and both members of the LOD begin climbing their respective ladders in the ring.
RUNG 1
RUNG 2
RUNG 3
RUNG 4
Suddenly, Dean and Rodriguez, The Egg Bandits, and Zion and Hanson rush the ring. The six men topple the ladders. Kostoff and Witness both land on their feet and the others are shocked momentarily. Kostoff and Witness yell for the men to bring it on The six men swarm the LOD members and begin beating down on them. Kostoff shrugs them off and starts cracking his skull against theirs. Witness trades blows.
Joe Hoffman: The LSD Legend and the Colossus of HOW are fighting against the world right now!
Bodies go flying as both LOD members are full of fire. After they clear the ring, the crowd roars their approval but quickly calm down as the Egg bandits enter ring one. Jiles shakes his leg as Doozer cracks his neck. The Bandits are holding a ladder and charge at Kostoff. They nail Kostoff right in the gut. Kostoff doubles over as the Bandits raise the ladder over their heads, driving it down onto the back of Kostoff’s head. Hearing Witness get into ring one, the Bandits swing the ladder around, nailing Witness in the side. The Bandits spin around and nail Witness on the other side. They then charge and nail Witness right in the face. Witness spills in between the ropes of the two rings. Jiles and Doozer say something inaudibly. The two dump their ladder on top of Witness and then grab the ladder in ring one and also pile it on top of Witness. Doozer then goes to ring two, picks up the ladder and dumps it on Witness.
Benny Newell: I talked to the Bandits earlier and they call this the golden shovel.
Joe Hoffman: The golden shovel?
Benny Newell: Cause that fucker just got buried!
Doozer and Jiles slide out of the ring and go over to Dean. They grab him, pick him up and drive him back first into the ring apron. Jiles and Doozer then grab Crash Rodriguez and whip him into the steel post. The Bandits move over to Hollywood and whip him into the side of the cage. Jiles grabs Savage and begins raking his face against the cage before whipping him into the cage.
Joe Hoffman: The Bandits are on a tear!
Benny Newell: Speaking of tears, I bet Dean just tore his asshole when he got rammed into the apron!
The Bandits round the corner but are blindsided by Hanson and Zion.
Hanson and Zion crack the heads of the Bandits against each other. Hanson and Zion hit stereo suplexes on the Bandits driving their backs into the cage. Their bodies, then slump to the floor with their necks hitting the floor. Zion and Hanson slide into the ring and look at Kostoff who is still down. Hanson grabs one of the ladders on top of Witness and yells at Zion to help. Zion comes into ring two and the two pull one ladder out. Hanson tugs on the ladder towards ring one. Zion tugs on it towards ring two. The two men jerk their heads and look at each other. Hanson tugs the ladder towards him and Zion tugs it back towards himself. Hanson and Zion argue before Zion rolls his eyes and relents. Hanson pulls the ladder into ring one and sets it up under the title belt. He begins climbing and Zion grabs a second ladder off of Witness. He lifts and pulls it in between the middle and top rope.
RUNG 1
Zion notices the ladder appears to have a broken rung and moves it off to the side, sitting on the ropes of ring one and two. Zion grabs the third ladder and pulls it out. He then goes back to the second ladder, hoping to throw it out but……
SMACK!
Zion falls down, grabbing at his face.
Holding his shoulder, Crash Rodriguez just hit a Coup De Grace to the ladder, driving it down and smacking Zion right in the face.
RUNG 2
Crowd: HO-LY SHIT! HO-LY SHIT! HO-LY SHIT!
Hollywood and Savage slide in and begin going after Hanson. Hanson boots Hollywood in the head but with Savage there, the numbers game is too much. Hollywood and Savage yank Hanson down. Hanson staggers momentarily but it’s just long enough for Hollywood to hit a superkick and Savage to hit a Superman punch. Hanson falls to the mat and Hollywood begins climbing. Savage goes to ring two and begins setting up the ladder.
RUNG 1
Savage gets the ladder up and now Bobby Dean is in the ring as are a recovered Benchwarmers. The Benchwarmers go over to Crash Rodriguez and pull him up. Stevens barks at Rodriguez and Dean. All four nod.
RUNG 2
Crash Rodriguez and Dean begin beating down on Savage’s back until he falls off the ladder. Dean finally sits on top of Savage, holding out his taped hand. Rodriguez begins grinding the heel of his boot into the center of Savage’s hand. Savage screams in pain as the Benchwarmers are beating down on Hollywood. Stevens motions to O’Dell. O’Dell sets up the bench behind Stevens. Stevens picks Hollywood up, whips him into the ropes and, with O’Dell’s help, hits a death drop, breaking the bench in half.
RUNG 1
Benny Newell: I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m coming around on Stevens. That dipshit is making me happy. Beating down the LOD, beating down Hollywood and Savage. I’m starting to like this guy.
RUNG 2
Stevens and O’Dell look over and see Bobby Dean holding the ladder for Rodriguez.
RUNG 3
The two start moving into ring one but Bobby Dean meets them with a clothesline. The Benchwarmers quickly get up but eat another double clothesline. The two get up again but this time, Dean reaches out and grabs the nipples of the Benchwarmers.
RUNG 4
Bobby Dean pulls and twists hard. O’Dell and Stevens try to pull away but the more they pull, the more it hurts them. Stevens and O’Dell beat down on Bobby’s arms. Bobby releases the Purple Nurple. O’Dell and Stevens hit basement dropkicks to Bobby’s knees and Bobby drops to them. The Benchwarmers turn around, push over the ladder and Rodriguez goes flying but leaps onto the cage at the last minute. The Egg Bandits are under Rodriguez who dives off the cage and splashes both men.
Joe Hoffman: Rodriguez off the cage! The Bandits are down again. And the Benchwarmers are somehow, seemingly acting like the most cohesive team here!
The Benchwarmers turn around to face Bobby Dean but immediately drop to their knees.
Benny Newell: BAHAHAAHAHAHA! Nothin’ beats a good old fashioned nut shot!
Bobby Dean struggles to his feet. He goes over to Stevens and begins dropping knees into his groin. Bobby does the same to O’Dell and both men roll out of the ring. Bobby Dean picks the ladder back up and positions it back under the belt. Bobby climbs.
RUNG 1
But the ladder wobbles.
Bobby gets back down. He grabs another ladder from underneath the ring and pushes it in. He sets it up next to the other ladder and climbs.
RUNG 1
Joe Hoffman: Bobby Dean bringing a back up ladder to help ensure stability as he climbs!
RUNG 2
RUNG 3
Benny Newell: Like fucking King Kong climbing the god damn Empire State Building!
Bobby stops mid way and wipes his brow. He pulls a couple of pieces of celery from his tights and begins eating.
Joe Hoffman: WHAT IS HE DOING?!?!
Benny Newell: He’s…. he’s fucking eating? What the actual fuck?!?!
RUNG 4
RUNG 5
Bobby moves his sausage like fingers around the leather……
Bobby pulls the strap…..
…
…
…
…
Suddenly, all 11 other men rush the ring and begin rushing in. Zion and Hollywood ascend the ladder, followed by the Bandits, followed by Savage, Hollywood, and Rodriguez. They begin trying to climb the opposite side of the ladders, scrambling.
RUNG 1
RUNG 2
RUNG 3
Quickly from behind Bobby Dean, Kostoff ducks under his mightly legs and wraps his arms around his massive thighs.
Joe Hoffman: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
Benny Newell: Someone get my richter scale!
Joe Hoffman: NO REMORSE!
Kostoff powerbombs Bobby Dean off the ladder, walking a few steps and over the top rope to the floor. Bobby lands with a sickening thud.
Bobby isn’t moving and the rest of the crowd continues scrambling towards the belt.
Kostoff turns his attention towards the pile of men scrambling. Kostoff climbs the ring and meets the men on rung 3. He begins trading elbows and forearms with the others and The Bandits fall off the ladder. They quickly get up and move around to the other side.
Rodriguez, Hollywood, Savage, Zion, Witness, and Hanson are all still on the ladder
The Bandits begin punching Kostoff in the kidneys. Kostoff is then slammed to the mat where the Bandits begin stomping away. Kostoff is then pulled up and given double chops to the chest. Kostoff slaps his own chest and shouts at the Bandits. The Bandits keep chopping but Kostoff seems impervious to the pain. He reaches out and clasps his hands around their necks before hoisting them into the air and giving them a double chokeslam.
After kicking off Silent Witness, Hanson and Zion focus on Savage and Hollywood.
RUNG 4
Witness is helped up to his feet by Kostoff who motions towards the other ring. Witness moves to ring two and throws the bench over the side of the ring. He slides to the other side and grabs a ladder from under the ring. He pushes it in and sets it up in ring 2.
RUNG 1
RUNG 2
RUNG 3
Witness scurries up the ladder as quickly as possible. In ring one, Kostoff grabs Hollywood and Savage and throws them out of the ring. When he turns around, Hanson dives off the ladder and onto Kostoff.
RUNG 4
RUNG 5
Zion wraps his hand around the belt…
…
…
Witness wraps his hand around the belt…
…
…
…
and pulls it down.
Joe Hoffman: ZION’S DONE IT! HE’S GOT THE BELT!
DING DING DING
The bell sounds as Zion looks confused and over to ring 2.
Joe Hoffman: AND SILENT WITNESS HAS DONE IT!
Benny Newell: What the hell? Zion and Witness are now the tag champs?
There is some confusion as Witness and Zion just stare at each other. Hortega goes to converse with McVay as Hanson climbs the ring and begins arguing with Zion.
Noah Hanson: How could you do this? We are a team!
Darin Zion: I didn’t know he was climbing!
Witness climbs down off the ladder.
He joins Zion who are yelling at Joel Hortega. Hortega continues talking to McVay as suddenly Hanson rips the title from Zion and clocks Silent Witness in the head with it. Silent Witness goes down and we see a trickle of blood form across his forehead.
Zion looks at Hanson in disbelief.
Darin Zion: That’s not how I do things!
Noah Hanson: You do whatever it takes!
The camera cuts to Hortega who adamantly points at the cage.
Brian McVay: Ladies and gentlemen, referee Joel Hortega has confirmed that this match…… IS NOT OVER!
The crowd roars as Zion begins protesting.
Crowd: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
Brian McVay: The winners of this match must be members of the same team. Therefore…..
Joel Hortega immediately grabs the belts and he begins to reposition ladders and begins climbing in ring two.
Brian McVay: THIS MATCH WILL BE…… RESTARTED!
Zion and Hanson are continuing to scream at each other as Hortega finishes latching the first belt onto the ring once more.
The other ten men get to their feet. Bobby Dean is holding neck. Kostoff cracks his and spits out a small mouth of blood. O’Dell and Stevens hold their heads. Witness is bleeding from the head, the blood dribbling down his face. Crash Rodriguez is holding his gut. The Egg Bandits are holding their heads too. Cool Jiles rips off his helmet and throws it to the side. Hollywood and Savage help each other up and are leaning on each other. The 10 look at the arguing Hanson and Zion. Hanson looks behind Zion and sees them. He holds up his hand but Zion continues arguing. Finally, Hanson spins Zion around.
THWACK!
Hanson goes down and looks up in disbelief. Zion looks down, mortified.
Joe Hoffman: Oh my God.
Benny Newell: I didn’t know Zion had it in him! HAHAHAHA! Great job, fucker!
We cut to a replay that shows, as if almost on instinct, Zion rolling with the spin from Hanson and hitting a back elbow.
The ten watch on before they all pounce on Zion and Hanson.
Joe Hoffman: Like hyenas picking up the scraps.
Benny Newell (singing): BE PREPARRRRRRRED!
Joe Hoffman: What are you doing?
Benny Newell: Like the Lion King! FUCK YOU HOFFMAN! IT’S A MODERN MASTERPIECE!
The ten continue to beat down until Kostoff picks up Zion into a military press and throws him against the cage wall. Zion lands with a thud on the outside as the other 9 do the same to Hanson.
Hortega finally latches the second belt onto the ring and begins the climb down.
While the 10 stare on, the Egg Bandits slip out of the ring and hide next to the ring, out of eye sight.
Joe Hoffman: What are they doing?
Benny Newell: These guys have picking on the Bandits all match! They probably don’t want to get poached!
Stevens and O’Dell turn around and face Kostoff and Witness.
Benny Newell: Sure, Stevens can’t keep time worth a fuck but he knows taking out the LOD is the best thing you can do! Besides, I’m surprised Witness would smear fake blood to try to get sympathy.
Joe Hoffman: It’s not fake blood!
O’Dell holds up his hands and motions to the other four men in the ring who hold their hands up. Kostoff looks around with a scowl before Witness taps him on the shoulder. Both members of the LOD look around.
Joe Hoffman: They realize the Bandits are missing!
The remaining eight surround the ring and approach the Bandits from opposite sides. Doozer and Jiles chuckle to themselves before quickly looking in horror at the eight surrounding them. The Bandits crawl under the ring as the eight look under the ring. On the opposite side, Jiles and Doozer appear. They quickly dive into the ring and begin climbing the ladder.
RUNG 1
Dean and Rodriguez see the commotion in the ring. They yell to the others.
RUNG 2
The others look up.
RUNG 3
The 8 slide into the ring. Kostoff and Witness are first in either ring.
RUNG 4.
They topple the ladders over sending the Bandits down to the mats. Dean and Rodriguez quickly turn on Kostoff and Witness. O’Dell and Stevens join in. Stevens rakes at Witness’ face, trying to rip open the cut further. O’Dell kicks Kostoff in the gut, picks him up and…..
Joe Hoffman: N—-NO REMORSE?! O’Dell just hit Kostoff with his own move!
Stevens reaches into his tights and pulls out the end of a spur. He rakes it across Witness’ face as Witness writhes in pain.
Scott Stevens: Had enough?
Silent Witness: Suck a fucking dick!
Witness spits blood in Stevens’ face. Enraged, Stevens begins driving the spur over and over into Witness’ forehead. Blood is flowing out and Witness slumps in Stevens’ arms.
Stevens goes into ring one as O’Dell tries to pick Kostoff back up. Stevens helps pick him up as Dean and Rodriguez look on. O’Dell hoists Kostoff up but quickly slumps to the mat.
Joe Hoffman: CHOP BLOCK!
O’Dell crumples under the weight of Kostoff. Stevens turns and……gets kissed by Bobby Dean. Stevens wriggles, mortified but Dean holds tight before picking Stevens up.
Joe Hoffman: HAPPY ENDING!
Stevens falls to the mat. Rodriguez and Dean now face Hollywood and Savage. Savage’s hand is bleeding.
The crowd roars as the two teams start trading punches back and forth. Rodriguez gains the upper hand on Savage, whipping him into the ropes, hitting a back body drop. Hollywood gains the momentary upperhand on Dean before Dean plants a kiss on Hollywood.
Joe Hoffman: HAPPY ENDING!
After driving Hollywood’s head into the ring and seeing Crash taking care of business, Dean gets the ladder and begins climbing.
RUNG 1
Benny Newell: I’ve never seen so many happy endings since I joined Robert Kraft and Donald Trump at Camp David last weekend!
RUNG 2
Crash hoists Savage onto the top rope. He hooks Savage by the head. Savage tries fighting him off but Crash hits clubbing blows to the back. He then wraps his arms around Savage’s head and…..
Joe Hoffman: CRASH REPORT!
Savage rolls out of the ring as the Avalanche DDT takes it’s toll.
RUNG 3
Dean motions for Rodriguez to climb the other ladder. Rodriguez goes over but the Bandits are up and moving in on Dean. Rodriguez gets off his ladder and rushes to ring one. Dean jumps off the ladder and motions for the Bandits to bring it on. Rodriguez gets behind the Bandits. Dean charges and the Bandits move out of the way as Dean clotheslines Rodriguez. Rodriguez goes down hard as the Bandits look at Dean.
Joe Hoffman: An inadvertent clotheseline and down goes Rodriguez!
Dean nods at the Bandits and Rodriguez looks on in shock.
STOMP!
Benny Newell: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
STOMP!
STOMP!
Dean is now stomping away at Rodriguez. Dean looks at Doozer and points to the titles. Doozer slaps Jiles on the chest and the Bandits split up.
Joe Hoffman: I—- I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!
Benny Newell: I can! The only team that started out cohesive is the team that is surviving!
RUNG 1
RUNG 2
Silent Witness gasps as he sees Jiles climbing in his ring.
Benny Newell: BULLSHIT! How is he still moving?!?!?!
Joe Hoffman: Witness still has fight in him.
RUNG 3
Witness crawls towards the ladder.
RUNG 4
He wraps his fingers around the rungs and pulls himself up.
RUNG 5
Doozer wraps his fingers around the leather.
….
….
….
….
….
Witness grabs his hand around the ankle of Jiles.
Jiles yells at Bobby Dean. Dean goes over to Witness and sits down on the small of his back.
Witness cries out in pain and lets go of Jiles’ ankle.
Doozer grabs the strap as the crowd boos louder as Jiles climbs.
….
….
….
….
RUNG 4
….
….
RUNG 5
….
….
DING DING DING
Joe Hoffman: I don’t believe it!
Benny Newell: THEY DID IT! Break out the egg nog and DRINK!
Brian McVay: Here are your winners……. AND NEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW……. HOW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS……….. THE EGGGGGGGGGGG BANDITSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Hortega hands The Bandits their titles and goes to raise their hands but Bobby Dean shoves him out of the way.
Bobby Dean raises their hands as the crowd rains down boos upon them………
The crowd roars at the mere mention of a ladder match as the camera slowly pans up from Brian McVay to show each belt hanging high above one of the two war games rings. The ominous cage surrounding each championship belt, almost acting as a vault surrounding each belt.
The arena turns pitch black. The sound of a shell cracking accompanies a golden beam; hitting what seems like a random section of the crowd. A second beam of the same color, also introduced with a corresponding crack hits another.
Then another.
CRACK!
And another.
CRACK!
As more yellow beams continue to strike the crowd, they start dancing around in sporadic patterns.
“Yoke the Joker” by Naughty by Nature hits the speakers.
Joe Hoffman: This folks isn’t going to be a war. It’s not even going to be a match. Expect this one to be a train wreck. 12 men. 6 teams. 2 belts. 1 winning combination.
Benny Newell begins punching away on a calculator.
Benny Newell: How’d you do that math so fast?
Joe Hoffman: Because I’m not trying to type 8008135 on it.
The Egg Bandits emerge onto the top of the ramp. The Maestro of COOL, Cool Jiles stops at the top, gazing out at the gathered Octabandits before him. His golden locks are slicked back, his precious shades are nowhere to be seen, and as it turns out, his eyes are brown. The Dooze, doing his best brisk-walk out from behind his Bandit brother, takes a few steps past him before stopping dead in his tracks to take in the metallic scenery.
Both men have come dressed for war. Fatigues, black boots, and brand spanking new camouflage Egg Bandit t-shirts. On sale now!
Jiles even has a World War 2 helmet on, probably in an attempt to protect his hair.
Not wasting anymore time, The Maestro of COOL starts to head down the ramp. He taps Doozer on his left shoulder, and then breaks off behind him to the right. Quickly, Doozer spins around to see no one, but he certainly can hear his brother of the yolk laughing in the distance.
Joe Hoffman: These guys seem pretty loose.
Benny Newell: We’ll see how long that lasts for.
The Egg Bandits make their way into the ring and look up at the championship belts. The two look at each other as if taking in the moment, realizing what they are about to get themselves into.
Joe Hoffman: You have to believe that right now, the edge has to go to the Egg Bandits. Cool Jiles is a former Tag Team Champion and The Egg Bandits have had success with each other in tag team action outside of HOW.
Benny Newell: You think this match will be over, easy?
Joe Hoffman: I’m not say—-I’m not going to dignify that.
Benny Newell: What? Not looking on the sunny side of things?
“Perfect Insanity” by Disturbed hits and the crowd roar as Brian Hollywood and Jace Savage make their way to the entrance ramp. Both men taunt the crowd and point at the hanging championships before motioning around their waist.
Joe Hoffman: Don’t forget the well regarded run Brian Hollywood had as a member of Sex and Money with the titles. The unknown factor of Jace Savage could play into this match.
Benny Newell: Oh look, it’s Sexless and Money.
Hollywood and Savage slowly enter the ring staring directly at the Bandits, who are smirking back. Hollywood points at the Bandits, then the belts, then himself. The Egg Bandits pretend they are scared before flipping off Hollywood who moves in before Joel Hortega holds Hollywood back.
Benny Newell: Don’t let them start cracking shells.
Joe Hoffman: Don’t start! You have to wonder what happened to Jace Savage’s hand as it looks taped up?
Benny Newell: Probably chafed it from masturbating to pictures of himself.
“You’re The Best” by Joe Esposito plays as Benny spits out his drink.
Benny Newell: Mike? PLEASE?!?!
The crowd boos and then looks stunned as Mike Best does not walk out. Rather, Robert Dean and Crash Rodriguez walk out.
Joe Hoffman: No, it’s Robert Dean and Crash Rodriguez. And judging from the look of it Robert Dean has been uh…..
Benny Newell: Bulking up.
Joe Hoffman: Actually, he looks like he’s dropped a few. What do you think is the strategy for slimming down for a ladder match?
Benny Newell: Nothing. He’s a fat fuck who loves to eat. He probably ate nothing but Twinkies and dipped them in a vat of lard. He probably restricted himself to 20 instead of his normal 30.
Rodriguez helps Dean into the ring as the Egg Bandits are practically doubling over laughing at the site of Dean. Hortega helps Dean disrobe as members of the audience audibly gasp.
Benny Newell: Is that a fucking baker’s dozen? I’ve never seen so many rolls.
Joe Hoffman: Just… just move on.
“World’s Greatest” by R. Kelly hits as the crowd boos loudly as Johnny O’Dell and Scott Stevens make their way to the ring. Both men come out carrying a bench.
Benny Newell: What the fuck am I supposed to do? I love O’Dell because he beat the shit out of Kostoff but I hate Stevens because he’s FUCKING SCOTT STEVENS!
Joe Hoffman: The Benchwarmers are here and look primed to go. Scott Stevens is a former World Champion and Johnny O’Dell just beat HOW Hall of Famer Kostoff a few weeks ago. That’s gotta be some psychological advantage.
Benny Newell: My hopes rest on O’Dell delivering another fucking beating to that shit head Kostoff! Maybe he can drive Kostoff’s fucking suitcase head into the bench.
Before Benny can continue his rant, the lights go out.
Benny Newell: Why do the lights go out on every fucking entrance?
“Bow Down” by I Prevail hits as the crowd erupts into cheers.
Darin Zion and Noah Hanson make their way out to the entrance ramp. Noah glares at Zion with a quizzical look. He starts pointing to the arena and then his ears.
Joe Hoffman: Rumors have been swirling that Zion and Hanson were arguing in the back about which entrance music to come out to. You gotta believe that Hanson is not happy Zion’s music is playing right now.
Benny Newell: It’s fucking entrance music. Who gives a shit? Besides, both their music is shitty. They could come out to fucking Barbie Girl for all I care.
Zion holds his hands out as if to reassure Hanson. He nods and points to the ring. Both men circle the ring before standing on opposite sides of the ring. They immediately dig under the ring as the other teams bail to the outside. All five teams begin brawling as Hortega looks confused momentarily. He tries to restore some order but shrugs his shoulders and calls for the bell.
Joe Hoffman: Kostoff and Witness haven’t even arrived yet and Hortega has started the match!
Benny Newell: Fucking cowards! I knew they wouldn’t show!
The War Games cage begins to lower with the belts hanging high.
Joe Hoffman: My God, Benny! If they don’t get inside the cage, they’ll be locked out!
Benny Newell: GOOD! FUCKING LOWER IT FASTER!
The Egg Bandits are the first to notice the cage and abandon the fight. They slide into the ring waiting for the cage. Hortega is cursing in Spanish trying to warn the teams to enter the ring. The Benchwarmers notice next and throw their bench into the ring. The Egg Bandits move out of the way. The Benchwarmers slide in and begin trading punches with the Bandits.
The cage is now halfway down.
With two teams away, Savage and Hollywood slide in too. Hanson and Zion belt it into the ring and join in on the all out carnage in the ring.
Benny Newell: Must go faster! Must go faster! Gogogogogogogogo!
Crash Rodriguez dives in as Bobby Dean struggles.
The cage is lowering and is getting close to the ground. Bobby Dean tries to enter the ring and Hortega is motioning for him to hurry.
With just enough room, Bobby Dean rolls under the lowering cage and Hortega breaths a sigh of relief.
Benny Newell: DO A BARREL ROLL! BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!
Joe Hoffman: Too close!
Crowd: L-O-D! L-O-D! L-O-D!
The lights go out and before a single note is played the crowd erupts into thunderous cheers, shaking the entire arena.
Benny Newell: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THE FUCKING MATCH STARTED!
“Wolf Totem” by The Hu hits as the lights quickly illuminate showing Kostoff and Silent Witness in the ring.
The other five teams turn and begin charging the two members of the Legion of Darkness. Throwing hands at their opponents, Witness and Kostoff begin taking down team members one by one. The crowd is roaring in approval as the Legion seems to be hitting anything that moves. One by one, members begin to roll away. Witness and Kostoff quickly spin and almost hit each other before smirking and then nodding. Witness rolls out of the ring and goes under the ring, he grabs a ladder and hoists it in between the ropes. Kostoff grabs the ladder and sets it up against the turnbuckle. Kostoff looks for the nearest living body and finds Noah Hanson. Kostoff picks Hanson up onto his shoulder. Kostoff backs up against the opposite turnbuckle and runs but Noah Hanson wiggles free and shoves Kostoff sternum first into the ladder. Noah quickly goes in, grabs Kostoff by the back of the head, and begins bashing it in to the ladder.
Witness goes to slide into the ring but is stopped. Witness is pulled back and spins around to see Darin Zion. Zion kicks Witness in the gut and suplexes him outside of the ring. Bobby Dean is up and Hanson starts barking orders at him. Dean nods as Hanson and Dean go to the opposite turnbuckle. Dean whips Hanson who stops, reverses and whips Dean as hard as he can. Dean crashes into Kostoff’s back as the crowd vicariously feels Kostoff’s pain. Dean backs up Kostoff falls to the mat and the ladder lands right on top of him. Deans bounces off the ropes and hits a splash onto the ladder on top of Kostoff.
Joe Hoffman: I am in awe right now. We’ve barely begun and have had a match start without one team, the cage almost lower on top of a couple of wrestlers, and….
Benny Newell: And Bobby Dean moving like a fucking cruiserweight!
Zion slides into the ring and begins double teaming Bobby Dean with Noah Hanson. Crash Rodriguez slides in behind the two and clubs Zion in the back of the head. Zion stumbles out of the ring as Crash now trades blows with Noah Hanson. Bobby Dean finally rolls out of the ring and inadvertently land right on top of Darin Zion. Zion gasps as all the breath is being driven out of him.
Joe Hoffman: Zion’s back could be broken from that splash from Bobby Dean!
CRACK! CRACK!
The Egg Bandits crack two chairs across the faces of Crash Rodriguez and Noah Hanson.
Benny Newell: They just scrambled their brains!
The Egg Bandits continue wailing on Hanson and Rodriguez until they aren’t moving. Jiles grabs the ladder that was used to hurt Kostoff and sets it up in the ring. He begins climbing as Doozer jumps out of the ring and goes to grab another ladder.
Jiles is halfway up when he takes a club to the back from Brian Hollywood. Jiles tries to bat Hollywood away with his foot but Hollywood grabs Jiles’ leg, twists and hits the mat with a modified Dragon Screw. Jiles grabs his knee in pain. Hollywood grabs Jiles’ leg again, twists, and then hits a leg drop right across the knee.
Joe Hoffman: Great prowess from Hollywood to take out the knee of Jiles. That’ll hinder his ability to climb the ladder.
Hollywood then flips Jiles over and cinches in a boston crab. Jiles is slapping his WW2 helmet to take his mind off the pain in his leg.
Joe Hoffman: This won’t win the match but it will do wonders to increase the odds of Hollywood and Savage walking out the champs!
Doozer gets the ladder and slides it under the bottom rope into the second ring. He looks at Jiles who motions with his hand to just grab the belt. Ignoring him, Doozer lawn darts the ladder into the side of Hollywood’s head. Hollywood immediately releases the hold and slumps to the side. Jiles begins army crawling away from Hollywood.
Benny Newell: Shades of Christopher America at Normandy!
Doozer then grabs the in ring 1 and re-positions it under the belt. The crowd roars loudly as the camera pans back, showing Scott Stevens and Johnny O’Dell in prime position. Doozer hears the crowd, turns as O’Dell lifts Doozer into a flapjack while Stevens jumps and hits a driving DDT into the mat.
Joe Hoffman: Holy God! What a DDT!
O’Dell immediately goes to Kostoff and picks up right where he left off at Refueled. Stevens boots Jiles out of the ring and then Stevens joins in as if both men were trying to beat respect out of Kostoff. Off screen, a clattering can be heard but O’Dell and Stevens ignore it, consumed by their desire to be respected. Witness slides into the ring and goes to try to stop them but O’Dell and Stevens turn their focus on to him and begin beating him down. The crowd boo as both men taunt the crowd, admiring the fact that they are the lone team standing in the ring. Stevens points at O’Dell and then the championship belt. O’Dell begins to climb as Stevens grabs the other ladder and tosses it into ring two. Stevens moves to ring two and looks back at O’Dell’s progress before his eyes go wide.
Scott Stevens: LOOK OUT!
O’Dell turns and then is flipped and driven into the mat by a hurricanrana by Jace Savage.
Savage wastes no time and immediately follows up by bouncing off the ropes and hitting a snap leg drop right across the neck of O’Dell. Savage immediately gets up and hits another as Stevens is now back in ring one. He goes to charge Savage with a clothesline but Savage ducks. Stevens spins around, eats a boot to the gut, and then is dropped with a DDT.
Savage looks up at the title belt and begins climbing.
The crowd grows louder as Jace Savage is the only one climbing.
RUNG 1
RUNG 2
RUNG 3
Jace reaches for the belt.
RUNG 4
Suddenly, The Egg Bandits, Bobby Dean and Crash Rodriguez, Brian Hollywood, and Silent Witness slide into the ring. The six begin to try to fight their way to the ladder. Bobby Dean’s size is helping to keep a hobbling Cool Jiles at bay. Witness and Rodriguez are trading blows while Hollywood and Doozer go at it. Hollywood gets the better of Doozer and seeing the other members detained, slides out of the ring and grabs another ladder from underneath the ring.
RUNG 5
Jace Savage reaches up and touches the tip of the belt, which jostles it and sends it swinging. Hollywood slides the ladder into the ring under the bottom rope. Jiles slaps Dean flush across the face and then begins chopping away at Dean. Dean staggers before Jiles leaps and hits a drop kick sending Dean flying backwards. Jiles grabs his knee as he falls hard. Dean backs into the ladder and Hollywood looks up as the ladder begins tilting. Savage flies off the ladder and lands balls first on the top rope as the ladder bounces and rests precariously on the top rope.
The audience gasps as Savage’s eyes go wide. He slumps to his side and falls right back out of the ring.
As Hollywood watches in horror, he turns his attention back to the ring just in time to see a ladder fly right at his face. O’Dell and Stevens smirk at each other after hitting a baseball slide into the ladder. Witness gets the upperhand on Rodriguez backing him into the turnbuckle.
RUNG 1
Witness jumps on top of Rodriguez and hits a monkey flip sending Rodriguez flying, the small of his back catching a corner of the of the ladder leg.
Rodriguez spasms in pain.
RUNG 2
Witness notices that Johnny O’Dell has begun climbing in ring one and Stevens in ring two.
Looking at both men, Witness rushes to ring two and grabs Stevens by the back of his tights, yanking him off the ladder.
RUNG 3
Witness hits a quick, stiff clothesline on Stevens. He pulls Stevens up and sees the bench that Stevens and O’Dell brought in. He grabs Stevens head and runs him right into the bench, knocking the bench over and sending Stevens bowling over it.
RUNG 4
In ring one, O’Dell is reaching for the title but isn’t quite there yet.
Joe Hoffman: Witness has got to stop O’Dell!
Witness then grabs Stevens, lifts him into the air and drops him gut first against the edge of the bench.
Crowd: SI-LENT-WIT-NESS! Clap-clap-clapclapclap SI-LENT-WIT-NESS! Clap-clap-clapclapclap SI-LENT-WIT-NESS! Clap-clap-clapclapclap
RUNG 5
O’Dell wraps his fingers around the leather strap.
KRAKOOM!
Benny Newell falls out of his seat, the noise so incredibly loud.
Benny Newell: OH GOD! THEY FOUND ME!
Joe Hoffman: WHAT THE—-
Johnny O’Dell’s back arches and he falls like a dead tree in the forest. As he hits the mat, he looks up and sees the towering frame of Kostoff holding a chair. Kostoff looks incensed as he lifts the chair high above his head and drives it right into the gut of O’Dell.
Joe Hoffman: Those chair shots! WHAT FORCE!
KRAKOOM! KRAKOOM!
As if bombs were exploding, Kostoff’s rage is fueling every chair shot.
Witness shows a half-smile and then positions the ladder in ring two underneath the title. Kostoff points at Witness and both members of the LOD begin climbing their respective ladders in the ring.
RUNG 1
RUNG 2
RUNG 3
RUNG 4
Suddenly, Dean and Rodriguez, The Egg Bandits, and Zion and Hanson rush the ring. The six men topple the ladders. Kostoff and Witness both land on their feet and the others are shocked momentarily. Kostoff and Witness yell for the men to bring it on The six men swarm the LOD members and begin beating down on them. Kostoff shrugs them off and starts cracking his skull against theirs. Witness trades blows.
Joe Hoffman: The LSD Legend and the Colossus of HOW are fighting against the world right now!
Bodies go flying as both LOD members are full of fire. After they clear the ring, the crowd roars their approval but quickly calm down as the Egg bandits enter ring one. Jiles shakes his leg as Doozer cracks his neck. The Bandits are holding a ladder and charge at Kostoff. They nail Kostoff right in the gut. Kostoff doubles over as the Bandits raise the ladder over their heads, driving it down onto the back of Kostoff’s head. Hearing Witness get into ring one, the Bandits swing the ladder around, nailing Witness in the side. The Bandits spin around and nail Witness on the other side. They then charge and nail Witness right in the face. Witness spills in between the ropes of the two rings. Jiles and Doozer say something inaudibly. The two dump their ladder on top of Witness and then grab the ladder in ring one and also pile it on top of Witness. Doozer then goes to ring two, picks up the ladder and dumps it on Witness.
Benny Newell: I talked to the Bandits earlier and they call this the golden shovel.
Joe Hoffman: The golden shovel?
Benny Newell: Cause that fucker just got buried!
Doozer and Jiles slide out of the ring and go over to Dean. They grab him, pick him up and drive him back first into the ring apron. Jiles and Doozer then grab Crash Rodriguez and whip him into the steel post. The Bandits move over to Hollywood and whip him into the side of the cage. Jiles grabs Savage and begins raking his face against the cage before whipping him into the cage.
Joe Hoffman: The Bandits are on a tear!
Benny Newell: Speaking of tears, I bet Dean just tore his asshole when he got rammed into the apron!
The Bandits round the corner but are blindsided by Hanson and Zion.
Hanson and Zion crack the heads of the Bandits against each other. Hanson and Zion hit stereo suplexes on the Bandits driving their backs into the cage. Their bodies, then slump to the floor with their necks hitting the floor. Zion and Hanson slide into the ring and look at Kostoff who is still down. Hanson grabs one of the ladders on top of Witness and yells at Zion to help. Zion comes into ring two and the two pull one ladder out. Hanson tugs on the ladder towards ring one. Zion tugs on it towards ring two. The two men jerk their heads and look at each other. Hanson tugs the ladder towards him and Zion tugs it back towards himself. Hanson and Zion argue before Zion rolls his eyes and relents. Hanson pulls the ladder into ring one and sets it up under the title belt. He begins climbing and Zion grabs a second ladder off of Witness. He lifts and pulls it in between the middle and top rope.
RUNG 1
Zion notices the ladder appears to have a broken rung and moves it off to the side, sitting on the ropes of ring one and two. Zion grabs the third ladder and pulls it out. He then goes back to the second ladder, hoping to throw it out but……
SMACK!
Zion falls down, grabbing at his face.
Holding his shoulder, Crash Rodriguez just hit a Coup De Grace to the ladder, driving it down and smacking Zion right in the face.
RUNG 2
Crowd: HO-LY SHIT! HO-LY SHIT! HO-LY SHIT!
Hollywood and Savage slide in and begin going after Hanson. Hanson boots Hollywood in the head but with Savage there, the numbers game is too much. Hollywood and Savage yank Hanson down. Hanson staggers momentarily but it’s just long enough for Hollywood to hit a superkick and Savage to hit a Superman punch. Hanson falls to the mat and Hollywood begins climbing. Savage goes to ring two and begins setting up the ladder.
RUNG 1
Savage gets the ladder up and now Bobby Dean is in the ring as are a recovered Benchwarmers. The Benchwarmers go over to Crash Rodriguez and pull him up. Stevens barks at Rodriguez and Dean. All four nod.
RUNG 2
Crash Rodriguez and Dean begin beating down on Savage’s back until he falls off the ladder. Dean finally sits on top of Savage, holding out his taped hand. Rodriguez begins grinding the heel of his boot into the center of Savage’s hand. Savage screams in pain as the Benchwarmers are beating down on Hollywood. Stevens motions to O’Dell. O’Dell sets up the bench behind Stevens. Stevens picks Hollywood up, whips him into the ropes and, with O’Dell’s help, hits a death drop, breaking the bench in half.
RUNG 1
Benny Newell: I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m coming around on Stevens. That dipshit is making me happy. Beating down the LOD, beating down Hollywood and Savage. I’m starting to like this guy.
RUNG 2
Stevens and O’Dell look over and see Bobby Dean holding the ladder for Rodriguez.
RUNG 3
The two start moving into ring one but Bobby Dean meets them with a clothesline. The Benchwarmers quickly get up but eat another double clothesline. The two get up again but this time, Dean reaches out and grabs the nipples of the Benchwarmers.
RUNG 4
Bobby Dean pulls and twists hard. O’Dell and Stevens try to pull away but the more they pull, the more it hurts them. Stevens and O’Dell beat down on Bobby’s arms. Bobby releases the Purple Nurple. O’Dell and Stevens hit basement dropkicks to Bobby’s knees and Bobby drops to them. The Benchwarmers turn around, push over the ladder and Rodriguez goes flying but leaps onto the cage at the last minute. The Egg Bandits are under Rodriguez who dives off the cage and splashes both men.
Joe Hoffman: Rodriguez off the cage! The Bandits are down again. And the Benchwarmers are somehow, seemingly acting like the most cohesive team here!
The Benchwarmers turn around to face Bobby Dean but immediately drop to their knees.
Benny Newell: BAHAHAAHAHAHA! Nothin’ beats a good old fashioned nut shot!
Bobby Dean struggles to his feet. He goes over to Stevens and begins dropping knees into his groin. Bobby does the same to O’Dell and both men roll out of the ring. Bobby Dean picks the ladder back up and positions it back under the belt. Bobby climbs.
RUNG 1
But the ladder wobbles.
Bobby gets back down. He grabs another ladder from underneath the ring and pushes it in. He sets it up next to the other ladder and climbs.
RUNG 1
Joe Hoffman: Bobby Dean bringing a back up ladder to help ensure stability as he climbs!
RUNG 2
RUNG 3
Benny Newell: Like fucking King Kong climbing the god damn Empire State Building!
Bobby stops mid way and wipes his brow. He pulls a couple of pieces of celery from his tights and begins eating.
Joe Hoffman: WHAT IS HE DOING?!?!
Benny Newell: He’s…. he’s fucking eating? What the actual fuck?!?!
RUNG 4
RUNG 5
Bobby moves his sausage like fingers around the leather……
Bobby pulls the strap…..
…
…
…
…
Suddenly, all 11 other men rush the ring and begin rushing in. Zion and Hollywood ascend the ladder, followed by the Bandits, followed by Savage, Hollywood, and Rodriguez. They begin trying to climb the opposite side of the ladders, scrambling.
RUNG 1
RUNG 2
RUNG 3
Quickly from behind Bobby Dean, Kostoff ducks under his mightly legs and wraps his arms around his massive thighs.
Joe Hoffman: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
Benny Newell: Someone get my richter scale!
Joe Hoffman: NO REMORSE!
Kostoff powerbombs Bobby Dean off the ladder, walking a few steps and over the top rope to the floor. Bobby lands with a sickening thud.
Bobby isn’t moving and the rest of the crowd continues scrambling towards the belt.
Kostoff turns his attention towards the pile of men scrambling. Kostoff climbs the ring and meets the men on rung 3. He begins trading elbows and forearms with the others and The Bandits fall off the ladder. They quickly get up and move around to the other side.
Rodriguez, Hollywood, Savage, Zion, Witness, and Hanson are all still on the ladder
The Bandits begin punching Kostoff in the kidneys. Kostoff is then slammed to the mat where the Bandits begin stomping away. Kostoff is then pulled up and given double chops to the chest. Kostoff slaps his own chest and shouts at the Bandits. The Bandits keep chopping but Kostoff seems impervious to the pain. He reaches out and clasps his hands around their necks before hoisting them into the air and giving them a double chokeslam.
After kicking off Silent Witness, Hanson and Zion focus on Savage and Hollywood.
RUNG 4
Witness is helped up to his feet by Kostoff who motions towards the other ring. Witness moves to ring two and throws the bench over the side of the ring. He slides to the other side and grabs a ladder from under the ring. He pushes it in and sets it up in ring 2.
RUNG 1
RUNG 2
RUNG 3
Witness scurries up the ladder as quickly as possible. In ring one, Kostoff grabs Hollywood and Savage and throws them out of the ring. When he turns around, Hanson dives off the ladder and onto Kostoff.
RUNG 4
RUNG 5
Zion wraps his hand around the belt…
…
…
Witness wraps his hand around the belt…
…
…
…
and pulls it down.
Joe Hoffman: ZION’S DONE IT! HE’S GOT THE BELT!
DING DING DING
The bell sounds as Zion looks confused and over to ring 2.
Joe Hoffman: AND SILENT WITNESS HAS DONE IT!
Benny Newell: What the hell? Zion and Witness are now the tag champs?
There is some confusion as Witness and Zion just stare at each other. Hortega goes to converse with McVay as Hanson climbs the ring and begins arguing with Zion.
Noah Hanson: How could you do this? We are a team!
Darin Zion: I didn’t know he was climbing!
Witness climbs down off the ladder.
He joins Zion who are yelling at Joel Hortega. Hortega continues talking to McVay as suddenly Hanson rips the title from Zion and clocks Silent Witness in the head with it. Silent Witness goes down and we see a trickle of blood form across his forehead.
Zion looks at Hanson in disbelief.
Darin Zion: That’s not how I do things!
Noah Hanson: You do whatever it takes!
The camera cuts to Hortega who adamantly points at the cage.
Brian McVay: Ladies and gentlemen, referee Joel Hortega has confirmed that this match…… IS NOT OVER!
The crowd roars as Zion begins protesting.
Crowd: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
Brian McVay: The winners of this match must be members of the same team. Therefore…..
Joel Hortega immediately grabs the belts and he begins to reposition ladders and begins climbing in ring two.
Brian McVay: THIS MATCH WILL BE…… RESTARTED!
Zion and Hanson are continuing to scream at each other as Hortega finishes latching the first belt onto the ring once more.
The other ten men get to their feet. Bobby Dean is holding neck. Kostoff cracks his and spits out a small mouth of blood. O’Dell and Stevens hold their heads. Witness is bleeding from the head, the blood dribbling down his face. Crash Rodriguez is holding his gut. The Egg Bandits are holding their heads too. Cool Jiles rips off his helmet and throws it to the side. Hollywood and Savage help each other up and are leaning on each other. The 10 look at the arguing Hanson and Zion. Hanson looks behind Zion and sees them. He holds up his hand but Zion continues arguing. Finally, Hanson spins Zion around.
THWACK!
Hanson goes down and looks up in disbelief. Zion looks down, mortified.
Joe Hoffman: Oh my God.
Benny Newell: I didn’t know Zion had it in him! HAHAHAHA! Great job, fucker!
We cut to a replay that shows, as if almost on instinct, Zion rolling with the spin from Hanson and hitting a back elbow.
The ten watch on before they all pounce on Zion and Hanson.
Joe Hoffman: Like hyenas picking up the scraps.
Benny Newell (singing): BE PREPARRRRRRRED!
Joe Hoffman: What are you doing?
Benny Newell: Like the Lion King! FUCK YOU HOFFMAN! IT’S A MODERN MASTERPIECE!
The ten continue to beat down until Kostoff picks up Zion into a military press and throws him against the cage wall. Zion lands with a thud on the outside as the other 9 do the same to Hanson.
Hortega finally latches the second belt onto the ring and begins the climb down.
While the 10 stare on, the Egg Bandits slip out of the ring and hide next to the ring, out of eye sight.
Joe Hoffman: What are they doing?
Benny Newell: These guys have picking on the Bandits all match! They probably don’t want to get poached!
Stevens and O’Dell turn around and face Kostoff and Witness.
Benny Newell: Sure, Stevens can’t keep time worth a fuck but he knows taking out the LOD is the best thing you can do! Besides, I’m surprised Witness would smear fake blood to try to get sympathy.
Joe Hoffman: It’s not fake blood!
O’Dell holds up his hands and motions to the other four men in the ring who hold their hands up. Kostoff looks around with a scowl before Witness taps him on the shoulder. Both members of the LOD look around.
Joe Hoffman: They realize the Bandits are missing!
The remaining eight surround the ring and approach the Bandits from opposite sides. Doozer and Jiles chuckle to themselves before quickly looking in horror at the eight surrounding them. The Bandits crawl under the ring as the eight look under the ring. On the opposite side, Jiles and Doozer appear. They quickly dive into the ring and begin climbing the ladder.
RUNG 1
Dean and Rodriguez see the commotion in the ring. They yell to the others.
RUNG 2
The others look up.
RUNG 3
The 8 slide into the ring. Kostoff and Witness are first in either ring.
RUNG 4.
They topple the ladders over sending the Bandits down to the mats. Dean and Rodriguez quickly turn on Kostoff and Witness. O’Dell and Stevens join in. Stevens rakes at Witness’ face, trying to rip open the cut further. O’Dell kicks Kostoff in the gut, picks him up and…..
Joe Hoffman: N—-NO REMORSE?! O’Dell just hit Kostoff with his own move!
Stevens reaches into his tights and pulls out the end of a spur. He rakes it across Witness’ face as Witness writhes in pain.
Scott Stevens: Had enough?
Silent Witness: Suck a fucking dick!
Witness spits blood in Stevens’ face. Enraged, Stevens begins driving the spur over and over into Witness’ forehead. Blood is flowing out and Witness slumps in Stevens’ arms.
Stevens goes into ring one as O’Dell tries to pick Kostoff back up. Stevens helps pick him up as Dean and Rodriguez look on. O’Dell hoists Kostoff up but quickly slumps to the mat.
Joe Hoffman: CHOP BLOCK!
O’Dell crumples under the weight of Kostoff. Stevens turns and……gets kissed by Bobby Dean. Stevens wriggles, mortified but Dean holds tight before picking Stevens up.
Joe Hoffman: HAPPY ENDING!
Stevens falls to the mat. Rodriguez and Dean now face Hollywood and Savage. Savage’s hand is bleeding.
The crowd roars as the two teams start trading punches back and forth. Rodriguez gains the upper hand on Savage, whipping him into the ropes, hitting a back body drop. Hollywood gains the momentary upperhand on Dean before Dean plants a kiss on Hollywood.
Joe Hoffman: HAPPY ENDING!
After driving Hollywood’s head into the ring and seeing Crash taking care of business, Dean gets the ladder and begins climbing.
RUNG 1
Benny Newell: I’ve never seen so many happy endings since I joined Robert Kraft and Donald Trump at Camp David last weekend!
RUNG 2
Crash hoists Savage onto the top rope. He hooks Savage by the head. Savage tries fighting him off but Crash hits clubbing blows to the back. He then wraps his arms around Savage’s head and…..
Joe Hoffman: CRASH REPORT!
Savage rolls out of the ring as the Avalanche DDT takes it’s toll.
RUNG 3
Dean motions for Rodriguez to climb the other ladder. Rodriguez goes over but the Bandits are up and moving in on Dean. Rodriguez gets off his ladder and rushes to ring one. Dean jumps off the ladder and motions for the Bandits to bring it on. Rodriguez gets behind the Bandits. Dean charges and the Bandits move out of the way as Dean clotheslines Rodriguez. Rodriguez goes down hard as the Bandits look at Dean.
Joe Hoffman: An inadvertent clotheseline and down goes Rodriguez!
Dean nods at the Bandits and Rodriguez looks on in shock.
STOMP!
Benny Newell: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
STOMP!
STOMP!
Dean is now stomping away at Rodriguez. Dean looks at Doozer and points to the titles. Doozer slaps Jiles on the chest and the Bandits split up.
Joe Hoffman: I—- I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!
Benny Newell: I can! The only team that started out cohesive is the team that is surviving!
RUNG 1
RUNG 2
Silent Witness gasps as he sees Jiles climbing in his ring.
Benny Newell: BULLSHIT! How is he still moving?!?!?!
Joe Hoffman: Witness still has fight in him.
RUNG 3
Witness crawls towards the ladder.
RUNG 4
He wraps his fingers around the rungs and pulls himself up.
RUNG 5
Doozer wraps his fingers around the leather.
….
….
….
….
….
Witness grabs his hand around the ankle of Jiles.
Jiles yells at Bobby Dean. Dean goes over to Witness and sits down on the small of his back.
Witness cries out in pain and lets go of Jiles’ ankle.
Doozer grabs the strap as the crowd boos louder as Jiles climbs.
….
….
….
….
RUNG 4
….
….
RUNG 5
….
….
DING DING DING
Joe Hoffman: I don’t believe it!
Benny Newell: THEY DID IT! Break out the egg nog and DRINK!
Brian McVay: Here are your winners……. AND NEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW……. HOW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS……….. THE EGGGGGGGGGGG BANDITSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Hortega hands The Bandits their titles and goes to raise their hands but Bobby Dean shoves him out of the way.
Bobby Dean raises their hands as the crowd rains down boos upon them………