Post by Jman2k3 on Jun 22, 2018 7:21:43 GMT
We return to ringside as we come back from commercial, confronted by the familiar image of our Hall of Fame commentary duo as we prepare ourselves for tonight’s main event.
Joe Hoffman: Welcome back, ladies and gents, and we’ve just had our final commercial break of the evening! Here in HOW, we don’t have commercials during matches - especially not our main events.
Benny Newell: Damn fucking right, Hoffhole. We’re not some fisher price scumhole, we’re the greatest wrestling federation on the fucking planet!
Joe Hoffman: I’d have to agree with you there, partner.
Benny Newell: Don’t.
Joe Hoffman: Don’t what?
Benny Newell: Call me partner.
Joe Hoffman: Why not?
Benny Newell: Because it sounds fucking gay, that’s why. What are you, fucking stupid?
Joe Hoffman: I’d like to think not...
Benny Newell: Are you going to do it?
Joe Hoffman: Do what?
Benny Newell: Douchebags at home, I’d like to apologize for our ineptitude. We’ve received an update from the medical dickheads that the righteous and honorable member of the Best Alliance, our General Manager, Mr. Scott Woodson, after being taken to a local medical facility, has been diagnosed with a concussion. We here at ringside would naturally like to pass on our best wishes.
Joe Hoffman: Indeed we would.
Benny Newell: See, Hoffman, that’s the sort of shit you should be doing - it’s what you get paid for.
Joe Hoffman: You’re right...my bad. Anyway, folks, we have to quickly move on from that piece of saddening news, as we’re all set to bring you tonight’s main event as we see ICON Champion Scott Stevens defend against the Best Alliance’s John Sektor. Not only is it a Championship match, but it also has Lee Best Invitational implications as tonight these two men are battling to be top of the Omar Rasheem group. They both currently sit on six points, but this match here tonight will ensure that we have a clearly defined leader of the group, so you know both men have a lot on the line here tonight.
Benny Newell: New ICON Champion, that’s what we’re getting, Hoffman.
Joe Hoffman: You might be right, or Scott Stevens might retain and continue his path of destruction through the Best Alliance. It could go either way.
Benny Newell: No, Hoffman, it can’t go either fucking way. Sektor’s going to win his second ICON Championship of this era, and it’s going to be fucking awesome!
Joe Hoffman: Again, that remains to be seen, Benny.
Benny Newell: No, Hoffman, it really doesn’t. Look, it’s fucking simple - last week, Rhys Townsend brought the World Championship home to the Best Alliance, and this week, John Sektor brings the ICON Championship home to the greatest stable of wrestlers in all of professional wrestling. Now I ain’t fucking God, so I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but surely, after this, it’s just a matter of time before God sends another one of his soldiers to go bring that Championship home, and when he does - when that belt comes back to the Best Alliance, you won’t be able to deny it, those Ground Zero fucks won’t be able to deny it, and neither will that little collection of “Help me help me” pussbags - The Best Alliance will indisputably be the dominant force here in High Octane Wrestling.
Joe Hoffman: If that happens - IF - then yes, Benny, you’d have a very strong case for that.
Benny Newell: Not a strong case, fuckhole - an unbeatable one! DRINK!
Joe Hoffman: Well, we’ll see what happens - Sektor hasn’t even won the ICON Championship yet, so you might be getting a little ahead of yourself. Stevens did beat Townsend at ICONIC to retain, so is it really out of the realms of possibility that he does tonight?
Benny Newell: Look, I fucking love Townsend, but he isn’t the best on a pay per view. Tonight’s different. Tonight’s Sektor, not Townsend - two totally different guys.
Joe Hoffman: But they do have similar wrestling styles...
Benny Newell: Sure, they both wrestle like they’re made of fucking awesome.
Joe Hoffman: Well, actually, I was thinking that they’re both technical wrestlers...Stevens has to be well used to that style, having a strong technical grounding himself. Of course, with his size, he brings a strong power game too, so Sektor’s surely going to look to keep him on the canvas where size doesn’t play a part...
Benny Newell: And where he can make him tap the fuck out!
Joe Hoffman: Indeed. Stevens is, of course, going to be looking to nail Sektor with the Toxic Sting, which as we’ve seen, can come out of absolutely nowhere.
Benny Newell: Yeah, but it won’t. Tonight, he taps the fuck out!
Joe Hoffman: That may happen, or Sektor might feel Stevens’ sting. It remains to be seen!
AC/DC’s Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap thunders it’s way through the soundsystem, as Sektor appears atop the ramp, before making his way down to ringside.
Benny Newell: And there’s the new ICON Champion!
Joe Hoffman: He certainly looks focused.
Benny Newell: Because for one thing, he wants that Championship. For another, he wants to make sure he tops his group - what we all want to see, Hoffman, is an all Best Alliance main event at March to Glory. You know it, I know it, the fans know it - the buyrate will be through the roof!
Joe Hoffman: Well, it could well happen - Professor Keller’s certainly looking impressive in his group having picked up the win earlier tonight, if Sektor wins here, then two of the four groups are topped by Best Alliance members. Though Max Kael, David Black or one of the two wildcards could look to put a stop to that.
Benny Newell: They’re all no hopers, Hoffman. We both know it. Best Alliance will headline March To Glory! DRINK!
The lights in the arena go pitch black, as red lasers and spotlights light up the area. The video screen lights up and flashes across the screen, "Nothing survives my sting!" The crowd starts booing, but it’s not just a normal level of booing. It’s a booing of pure hatred. Chris Benoit level booing as an electric guitar wails throughout the PA system and the words of Dave Mustaine's voice echoes throughout the arena, "As I climb onto your back, I will promise not to sting. I will, tell you what you want to hear and not mean anything. Then I, treat you like a dog, as I shoot my venom in. You pretend you didn't know, that I am The Scorpion, whoa!" The jeering intensifies as the instrumental after the chorus hits the speakers, drawing out the reigning High Octane Wrestling Icon champion. Walking down the aisle, he talks trash the entire way while raising a fist at a few of the more vocal bashers. As he finally gets to the ring, he climbs the nearest turnbuckle and stares down at the crown, an icy glare and the throat slash gesture his only actions as he drops to the mat.
Nigel Lette takes the ICON Championship off Stevens, as he ensures the two men are separated, as McVay prepares himself for the introductions.
Bryan McVay: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, is a Lee Best Invitational match in the Omar Rasheem Group and is for the High Octane Wrestling ICON Championship!
The crowd roar after McVay’s introduction, Lette raising the ICON Championship high above his head so that everyone can see the Championship.
Bryan McVay: Introducing first, standing to my left, he is the challenger! He weighed in at two hundred thirty five pounds and comes to us from Miami, Florida, he represents the Best Alliance and is the master of the Sektor Stretch...he is JOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN SEKTORRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sektor raises his arms as most of the Connecticut crowd boo him, a few vocal Best Alliance marks make their presence felt, however.
Bryan McVay: And his opponent...standing to my right, he is the reigning, defending High Octane Wrestling ICON Champion, he weighed in at two hundred fifty six pounds and hails from Houston, Texas...he is “THE SCORPION” SCOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT STEEEEEEEVENSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stevens doesn’t play to the crowd reaction, obviously in his favor, instead not removing his icy glare from the confident looking John Sektor who’s stood across the ring from him. Lette moves to show Sektor the Championship, Sektor slapping both hands against the belt’s main plate. Stevens shows no reaction to his Championship being shown to him, refusing to take his eyes off John Sektor. Lette quickly passes the Championship out of the ring before he signals for the bell!
Joe Hoffman: And we are under way!
Benny Newell: This is going to be like those two matches earlier tonight, ‘cept Sektor’s going to annihilate Stevens and send him to the hospital! Boom, all done in two minutes, Benny can go get his hooker early! DRINK!
Joe Hoffman: I highly doubt that.
Benny Newell: Yeah, which is why you’re a clueless asshole and I’m “Big Buff” Benny fucking Newell.
Joe Hoffman: Right...
The two wrestlers circle each other as the crowd buzzes with anticipation, neither quite willing to make the first move - at least not until Sektor unleashes a tirade that has Stevens immediately hurling punch after punch, backing the Best Alliance member into the corner! He continues his onslaught as Lette starts the five count! Lette gets all the way up to four before he realises that he’s going to have to disqualify Stevens before he stops, so instead, he puts himself between the two men, shoving Stevens into the center of the ring, furiously remonstrating with him to follow the rules! Stevens doesn’t appreciate Lette’s lecture, and flies at Sektor, unleashing a furious European Uppercut, knocking Sektor to the canvas!
Joe Hoffman: And the opening minutes here are all Stevens, ragdolling Sektor with punch after punch!
Benny Newell: It’s not a big deal, Hoffman, Sektor’s just wearing him down...
Joe Hoffman: By letting him use his head as a punching bag? It seems like a questionable tactic to me, Benny...
Benny Newell: Which is why you’re not in the Best Alliance! DRINK!
Stevens doesn’t let Sektor lay on the canvas to recoup his breath, dragging him back to his feet where he quickly takes him up and over with a vertical suplex! He quickly floats into the cover...
One...
And Sektor kicks out!
Benny Newell: Too early...waaaaaaaay too fucking early.
Joe Hoffman: That point is unarguable, Benny. Stevens should have looked to wear Sektor down just a little more if he wanted to get a little more out of that pinfall.
Stevens doesn’t remonstrate with Lette this time, instead dragging Sektor back to his feet and whipping him into the ropes, smashing him into the canvas with a spinebuster before he grabs both Sektor’s legs and transitions into a Boston Crab! Sektor immediately starts crawling towards the ropes, and despite Stevens’ best efforts to free himself, the Best Alliance member easily grasps hold of the bottom rope. Lette calls for the break, which he doesn’t immediately get, managing to get to a count of four before Stevens releases the hold. Stevens, again, advances on Sektor, but as he leans in to pick Sektor back up, Sektor grabs him by the back of his neck and rolls him up! Lette quickly drops to the canvas to start counting...
One...
Two...
NO!
Joe Hoffman: Sektor nearly caught Stevens completely by surprise there with that School Boy!
Benny Newell: Yeah, see, Best Alliance greatness, Hoffman. Imagine if that had worked - that fuck would never have been able to live it down! Caught off guard by Sektor’s first offensive move of the match...woulda been fucking golden!
Joe Hoffman: You’re right, that would have been a hard thing to live down, Benny. Lucky for Stevens, he kicked out right before Lette’s hand struck the mat for a third time.
Benny Newell: Mmm...fucking luck, that’s what him kicking out was. Luck. DRINK!
Stevens, escaping from the hold, looks fucking furious as he charges straight at Sektor, who ducks out of the way. Again, Stevens charges at Sektor but walks right into a dropkick, which sends him staggering back into the ropes with enough force to rebound him! As he comes back at Sektor, Sektor quickly hurls him overhead with a Belly to Belly suplex! Still, this isn’t enough to keep Stevens down, again charging at Sektor who this time, takes him down with a drop toe hold! Stevens’ face smashes into the canvas as Sektor picks a leg and sits down into a single legged Boston Crab!
Joe Hoffman: A nice little bit of technical wrestling there from Sektor, grounding his opponent.
Benny Newell: Because like everyone else in the BA, he’s a wrestling machine, Hoffman!
Joe Hoffman: With the exception of Scottywood after his performance tonight, right?
Benny Newell: Fuck you, Hoffman! Fuck you! Scotty could be seriously hurt! Insensitive fuck!
Joe Hoffman: My apologies..
Benny Newell: Damn fucking straight you better apologize or the rest of the BA will be down here to beat the ever loving shit out of your queer ass!
Stevens starts to crawl to the ropes, but as he starts to make real progress, Sektor gets up and drags him back to the middle of the ring, before he drops down into a STF! Again, Stevens starts to struggle towards the ropes as Sektor wrenches back on the hold, doing his level best to make Stevens submit right here and now! Lette checks on Stevens, who’s adamant that he doesn’t want to quit, instead continuing his slow, torturous crawl towards the ropes...which he eventually makes. Lette again, starts to count, getting all the way to four before Sektor breaks the hold, quickly following up with a series of stomps to Stevens’ back! Stevens quickly rolls out of the ring, looking for a quick time out!
Joe Hoffman: Smart strategy by Stevens there, looking to create a little bit of distance between himself and Sektor, give himself a moment to breathe and re-evaluate the match!
Benny Newell: Oh, so it’s okay? I bet if it was Sektor who did that, you’d be crying about how he’s wasting fucking time and should just get on with the match!
Joe Hoffman: No, I think I’d be calling it smart strategy, Benny. Both wrestlers tonight have clearly shown their smarts in the ring, Sektor doing his best to ground Stevens and work him over on the canvas, whereas Stevens has looked to keep a higher pace to the match.
Benny Newell: If he’s been looking to keep the match at a higher pace, why the fuck is he stalling outside of the ring?
Joe Hoffman: Touche.
Sektor doesn’t let Stevens get far, reaching over the top rope and grabbing a handful of hair, pulling Stevens up onto the apron! Stevens, however, grabs the back of Sektor’s head and pulls it down across the top rope! Sektor staggers back into the ring, allowing Stevens a chance to get back in where he immediately charges at Sektor, nailing him with a vicious lariat! He doesn’t let Sektor lie there, immediately hoisting him up and onto his shoulders, before he drives his head into the mat with Houston We Have A Problem! He drops into the pinfall, not bothering to hook the leg...
One...
Two....
NO!
Sektor easily moves a shoulder up!
Joe Hoffman: Had Stevens hooked the leg, he might have had more success with that move right there, Benny.
Benny Newell: I fucking doubt it, Hoffman. I mean, seriously? With a signature? When the fuck do they ever end the match?
Joe Hoffman: Well, they might - especially a move like that.
Benny Newell: C’mon, douchebag, this is pro fucking wrestling. Nobody ever wins with a signature unless it’s a squash match. DRINK!
Stevens looks a little frustrated as he drags Sektor back to his feet, the Best Alliance member obviously woozy, as Stevens again, picks him up, this time driving him into the canvas with the Scorpion Driver! He doesn’t look for the pinfall, this time grabbing hold of Sektor’s legs, and starting to hook him up for the Arachnophobia...but doesn’t get very far, as again, Sektor reaches up and schoolboys him!
One...
Two....
NO!!!!
Stevens defines the term “By a cunt hair” as he again escapes the school boy!
Benny Newell: John Sektor’s making the school boy mean something here tonight!
Joe Hoffman: He is, Benny - another near fall off one right there!
Stevens is up to his feet before Sektor, stalking the man he’s worn down...and he takes a moment to signal for the Toxic Sting! Sektor gets to his feet and Stevens boots him in the gut, grabs his head and looks to drop...
But Sektor shoves him away! Stevens staggers forward before he charges back at Sektor who drops underneath the lariat attempt, popping up behind Stevens before he fires off a huge German suplex! The Scorpion lands hard but gets back up and returns fire with a T-Bone suplex of his own, but like the German before it, this suplex is not enough to keep the man down! Sektor’s straight back up and the two of them, instead of exchanging yet more suplexes decide that the best course of action is to exchange punch after punch, Stevens eventually getting the advantage! He fires Sektor into the ropes, setting himself up for the Double S Spinebuster, but a Sektor boot to the face stops that dead! Sektor quickly DDTs Stevens, before he moves to Stevens legs, looking for the Sektor Stretch! Stevens starts to fight, and eventually reaches the ropes before Sektor can get the hold on!
Benny Newell: Man, it was nearly over right then and there!
Joe Hoffman: Indeed, Benny, it was close!
Benny Newell: Not close enough though, Hoffman. DRINK!
Sektor’s up to his feet first, closely followed by Stevens...and the exchange of blows starts once again! Sektor cuts it off at the pass, booting Stevens in the balls with a punt most NFL kickers would be proud of! He quickly butterflies Stevens arms...
Benny Newell: C-SEKTION! YES! YES! DRINK! FUCKING DRINK IT’S OVER!
Lette drops...
One...
Two...
NO!!!
Somehow, someway, Stevens kicks out!
The crowd roar, as the look of disbelief on Sektor’s face is clear for all to see! He remonstrates with Lette about the count, but the referee is firm - only two!
Benny Newell: BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! THAT COUNT WAS SLOW!!!
Joe Hoffman: It seemed fine to me, Benny...Stevens just found something extra right there to kick out of that hold. What resilience!
Benny Newell: What bullshit, more like it.
Sektor continues to argue with Lette, allowing more than enough time for Stevens to get up. Sektor eventually turns around, finding himself face to face with Stevens...and it’s a quick boot to the gut before Stevens actually connects with the Toxic Sting!!! The crowd go fucking apeshit as Stevens slumps into a perfunctory cover...
One...
Two....
NO!!!!!!!!!!!
Benny Newell: HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT WAS BULLSHIT!!!
Joe Hoffman: And now it’s Sektor’s turn to pull the unbelievable kickout!
Benny Newell: I’m not sure how much more I can take of this, Hoffman. I’m really not. DRINK!
Joe Hoffman: Just take some of your happy pills, Benny...that should see you through.
Benny Newell: You know, Hoffman, that’s the first good thing you’ve said all fucking night.
Stevens does exactly the same thing Sektor did before - argues with Lette about the count with a look of disbelief on his face! And just like before, it lets Sektor come around...but he doesn’t stay vertical for long, hurling himself into the back of Stevens’ knees, dropping the Champion to the canvas. He quickly grabs a leg before he locks in the Sektor stretch!
Benny Newell: This is it - this is it right here, Hoffman. New Champion! DRINK! FUCKING DRINK!
Joe Hoffman: Nobody’s escaped from this vicious hold yet...you might be right, Benny!
Stevens struggles, pulling at Sektor’s arms, trying to free himself from the hold, absolutely refusing to tap out! He screams out as Sektor synches the hold in even tighter, and starts to fade. Lette again drops in to check on him, and when he doesn’t get a response, he raises Stevens’ arm...
And it falls.
Again, Lette leans in close, checking on Stevens, before he raises Stevens arm for a second time...
And again, it falls.
The crowd buzz as Lette lifts Stevens’ arm for a third and final time, holding it in the air for what seems like an age before he releases it....
(This is a really big fucking space. If it’s not big enough for you? Then go fuck yourself.)
And it crashes against the canvas! Lette quickly gestures for the bell, and Bryan McVay immediately springs into action...
Bryan McVay: Your winner, by way of submission after 24 minutes and 45 seconds and NEWWWWWWWWWW HOW ICON CHAMPION....JOHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN SEKKKKKKKKKKKKTORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Benny Newell: Yes! Yes! I fucking told you! DRINK!
Joe Hoffman: You did, and folks, we have a new ICON Champion in John Sektor!
Benny Newell: Damn fucking right...he gets to hold that sexy, sexy fucking belt. I’d fuck it.
Joe Hoffman: Uhh....
Benny Newell: What? I totally would. Me, that belt, a hotel room, some lube...
Joe Hoffman: I don’t want to know any more, Benny. Please stop.
Benny Newell: Fuck you, Hoffman! Fuck you!
Just like last week, we’re greeted with the sight of the three uninjured Best Alliance members coming down to the ring to celebrate with the new Champion! It isn’t long before Fury picks up a still unconcious Scorpion, holding him up as Keller delivers a vicious Centrifugal Elbow to Stevens! The beatdown isn’t done, as Fury again, drags him back up, this time, nailing a Fury Bomb on him! And, as if that wasn’t enough, Townsend drags him up for a third and final time, absolutely nailing him with a Hammer of God!
Benny Newell: Man, this is just fucking great. Seriously fucking awesome. What more do you want?! DRINK!
Joe Hoffman: Morelike absolutely disgusting. I can’t believe they’re doing this! He’s defenseless!
Benny Newell: Which makes it even better, Hoffman!
And then, out of nowhere - or perhaps out of somewhere, being as it was hinted at just a segment ago, that theme music hits. You know the song - you know the one. The one that heralds the entrance of God himself. Lee Best appears on the ramp, Besty VII on a leash as the ring crew scramble to erect a ramp up to the ring to allow the calf access to the ring as the Best Alliance members inside drag the clearly unconcious Stevens back to his feet, holding him steady, as he prepares to meet one of the institutions of HOW. The ring ropes removed, the cow and Lee Best make their way into the ring as the BA watch with smiles on their faces. Lee gestures at Benny, at ringside.
Benny Newell: I’m up, Hoffhole. DRINK!
Benny chugs down the last of his bottle, quickly sprinting into the ring and pulling down Stevens tights, exposing him to all the world.
Lee moves the calf into position as the hungry calf prepares to do what it has been bred to do......to suck.
Joe Hoffman: Really? Again?
The camera zooms into the face of a groggy Stevens as he finally realizes what is about to happen and as he makes eye contact with the calf the two share a quick moment and as a look of horror comes across the face of the now former ICON Champion, Besty VII slowly makes her way over to him as his shriveled up penis tries to crawl inside of his body.
Suddenly and out of nowhere, another immediately recognizable piece of theme music hits.
That of Lee Best’s estranged son.
“The Best Around” by Joe Esposito explodes over the sound system, bringing the arena to it’s feet in a rush of cheers. The bestiality in the ring is paused for the moment as the entire Best Alliance turns to the entranceway.
Joe Hoffman: Here comes the cavalry!
As the crowd and everyone in the ring turn their attention towards the entrance ramp, Benny Newell quickly slides outta the ring and back to the announce table as its obvious he is no longer in his element.
Back at the top of the ramp, Michael Best doesn’t immediately appear.. instead what looks like a piece of meat on a stick appears.. then.. something furry.. and hungry. A mane of golden hair wreathing a thickly built head followed by a long muscular body, the Adonis of the feline family.. seated atop it, holding a stick with a steak hanging from it is none other than Michael Best himself.. and of course his steed, if you hadn't guessed yet?
A Lion.
A LION!?
Not a stuffed one, not a toy one, not a dog shaved like a lion. No.. no a Lion. Not a Tiger or a Lyger or even a Panther..
A MOTHERFUCKING LION.
Joe Hoffman: Oh my God...
Benny Newell: JESUSFUCKINGCHRISTWHATTHEFUCK?!
And Benny is right to scream that, as his grasp on zoology involved watching hours of Whalecock on the Discovery Channel and of course, the bestiality classic “Mary Had a Little Lamb”. So as far as he knew, Mike had just brought the Loch Ness Monster and Big Foot’s terrifying cat to the HOW show. The Best Alliance, however, were quicker on the uptake and considerably less drunk/high/tripping save for perhaps Townsend. Immediately, like roaches fleeing the light, the Alliance shatters when they notice that Mike has “encouraged” the Lion to charge the stage like some kind of deranged San Juan Hill charge. Impressed? It’s not everyday you get a Teddy Roosevelt reference in your High Octane Wrestling. In America. Back on task however, the ring clears of everyone..
….save Lee “I Fucked Mike’s mom and all I got was this lousy Son” Best.
Benny Newell: LEE! OH GOD LEE! GET OUT OF THERE!
Joe Hoffman: Jesus Christ, for once we agree Benny!
Mike reaches the ring atop his High Octane Wrestling Lion Steed, staring at the ramp used for Bestie before he jerks his meat stick to the side causing the lion to roar loudly, claws tearing the ramp to the side before the massive African monster simply jumps, with Mike on it’s back, onto the side of the ring as razor claws tear the top rope in half, it’s golden brown eyes staring into the eyes of Lee Best himself who stares right back at it.. The crowd could not possibly be louder. This is the loudest moment in HOW history, as Michael Lee Best and an actual fucking lion stare straight ahead at his father Lee and a scrumptious looking piece of walking, mooing veal.
Mike moves the meat stick in Lee’s direction, causing the Lion to roar. This causes Lee to flinch just a little bit, but the stubborn owner of High Octane Wrestling refuses to yield. He pats Besty lovingly on the side, ordering the Best Alliance to get back into the ring and destroy his son... but no one complies, because that’s a mother fucking lion in the ring and #Predictable rarely goes hand in hand with a FUCKING LION.
Lee once again orders them to get into the ring and do their jobs, but apparently no one wants to try and DDT a MOTHERFUCKING LION. Finally, as the stare down hits a boiling point, Rhys Townsend and John Sektor climb up onto the apron behind Lee and literally pull him out of the ring to safety as he screams and curses them. His hand reaches out toward his precious Besty, who simply chews some cud and stares doe eyed at Lee! The crowd boos vehemently as Mike shakes his head, mocking the BA for bailing like a bunch of cowards.
Suddenly the boos turn to cheers, as Mike shrugs his shoulders and tosses the meat stick…
Time freezes, as Besty turns her head toward the incoming stick.. a small splattering of manure hits the ring before the cow looks lazily back at Lee.. right into his eyes..
Joe Hoffman: OH MY SWEET MERCIFUL LORD JESUS!
Benny Newell: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The arena actually goes silent for a moment as the lion charges into Besty, sinking his oversized fangs right into the neck of the sodomite calf, tearing its throat out in one seamless bite. Lee screams before a spray of #970000 strikes him in the face, along with Sektor and Rhys who are holding the God of HOW at bay. Lee is shocked as he reaches his shaking hands to his face wiping away his favorite color..
The sound of bones crunching and meat tearing fill the ring, as the crowd is unsure how to react to this horrific display of animalistic savagery. Even Mike has gone a little pale sitting atop his carnivorous Segway sent straight from Hell to High Octane Wrestling, blood flowing quite freely as the golden hair becomes slick with bile and viscera. As the life drains from Besty’s eyes they never leave Lee’s, who seems to have gone into complete hysterics, screaming words that don’t even make sense anymore and leaving some to wonder if perhaps Doctor Seuss had witness a loved one consumed by a Lion before writing his work. Probably not.. but it’s food for thought.
Commentary has gone silent. Only the sounds of Joe Hoffman gently vomiting can be heard.
Townsend and Sektor begin to carry Lee away from the ring, as he screams and curses at his son and his dangerous new ally. There is a sudden close up shot of Michael Best and his secret weapon, as the lion licks its chops and digs into the still twitching calf corpse while the blood begins to spill out of the ring like some disgusting fountain.
Monday Night Mayhem goes off the air.
Joe Hoffman: Welcome back, ladies and gents, and we’ve just had our final commercial break of the evening! Here in HOW, we don’t have commercials during matches - especially not our main events.
Benny Newell: Damn fucking right, Hoffhole. We’re not some fisher price scumhole, we’re the greatest wrestling federation on the fucking planet!
Joe Hoffman: I’d have to agree with you there, partner.
Benny Newell: Don’t.
Joe Hoffman: Don’t what?
Benny Newell: Call me partner.
Joe Hoffman: Why not?
Benny Newell: Because it sounds fucking gay, that’s why. What are you, fucking stupid?
Joe Hoffman: I’d like to think not...
Benny Newell: Are you going to do it?
Joe Hoffman: Do what?
Benny Newell: Douchebags at home, I’d like to apologize for our ineptitude. We’ve received an update from the medical dickheads that the righteous and honorable member of the Best Alliance, our General Manager, Mr. Scott Woodson, after being taken to a local medical facility, has been diagnosed with a concussion. We here at ringside would naturally like to pass on our best wishes.
Joe Hoffman: Indeed we would.
Benny Newell: See, Hoffman, that’s the sort of shit you should be doing - it’s what you get paid for.
Joe Hoffman: You’re right...my bad. Anyway, folks, we have to quickly move on from that piece of saddening news, as we’re all set to bring you tonight’s main event as we see ICON Champion Scott Stevens defend against the Best Alliance’s John Sektor. Not only is it a Championship match, but it also has Lee Best Invitational implications as tonight these two men are battling to be top of the Omar Rasheem group. They both currently sit on six points, but this match here tonight will ensure that we have a clearly defined leader of the group, so you know both men have a lot on the line here tonight.
Benny Newell: New ICON Champion, that’s what we’re getting, Hoffman.
Joe Hoffman: You might be right, or Scott Stevens might retain and continue his path of destruction through the Best Alliance. It could go either way.
Benny Newell: No, Hoffman, it can’t go either fucking way. Sektor’s going to win his second ICON Championship of this era, and it’s going to be fucking awesome!
Joe Hoffman: Again, that remains to be seen, Benny.
Benny Newell: No, Hoffman, it really doesn’t. Look, it’s fucking simple - last week, Rhys Townsend brought the World Championship home to the Best Alliance, and this week, John Sektor brings the ICON Championship home to the greatest stable of wrestlers in all of professional wrestling. Now I ain’t fucking God, so I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but surely, after this, it’s just a matter of time before God sends another one of his soldiers to go bring that Championship home, and when he does - when that belt comes back to the Best Alliance, you won’t be able to deny it, those Ground Zero fucks won’t be able to deny it, and neither will that little collection of “Help me help me” pussbags - The Best Alliance will indisputably be the dominant force here in High Octane Wrestling.
Joe Hoffman: If that happens - IF - then yes, Benny, you’d have a very strong case for that.
Benny Newell: Not a strong case, fuckhole - an unbeatable one! DRINK!
Joe Hoffman: Well, we’ll see what happens - Sektor hasn’t even won the ICON Championship yet, so you might be getting a little ahead of yourself. Stevens did beat Townsend at ICONIC to retain, so is it really out of the realms of possibility that he does tonight?
Benny Newell: Look, I fucking love Townsend, but he isn’t the best on a pay per view. Tonight’s different. Tonight’s Sektor, not Townsend - two totally different guys.
Joe Hoffman: But they do have similar wrestling styles...
Benny Newell: Sure, they both wrestle like they’re made of fucking awesome.
Joe Hoffman: Well, actually, I was thinking that they’re both technical wrestlers...Stevens has to be well used to that style, having a strong technical grounding himself. Of course, with his size, he brings a strong power game too, so Sektor’s surely going to look to keep him on the canvas where size doesn’t play a part...
Benny Newell: And where he can make him tap the fuck out!
Joe Hoffman: Indeed. Stevens is, of course, going to be looking to nail Sektor with the Toxic Sting, which as we’ve seen, can come out of absolutely nowhere.
Benny Newell: Yeah, but it won’t. Tonight, he taps the fuck out!
Joe Hoffman: That may happen, or Sektor might feel Stevens’ sting. It remains to be seen!
AC/DC’s Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap thunders it’s way through the soundsystem, as Sektor appears atop the ramp, before making his way down to ringside.
Benny Newell: And there’s the new ICON Champion!
Joe Hoffman: He certainly looks focused.
Benny Newell: Because for one thing, he wants that Championship. For another, he wants to make sure he tops his group - what we all want to see, Hoffman, is an all Best Alliance main event at March to Glory. You know it, I know it, the fans know it - the buyrate will be through the roof!
Joe Hoffman: Well, it could well happen - Professor Keller’s certainly looking impressive in his group having picked up the win earlier tonight, if Sektor wins here, then two of the four groups are topped by Best Alliance members. Though Max Kael, David Black or one of the two wildcards could look to put a stop to that.
Benny Newell: They’re all no hopers, Hoffman. We both know it. Best Alliance will headline March To Glory! DRINK!
The lights in the arena go pitch black, as red lasers and spotlights light up the area. The video screen lights up and flashes across the screen, "Nothing survives my sting!" The crowd starts booing, but it’s not just a normal level of booing. It’s a booing of pure hatred. Chris Benoit level booing as an electric guitar wails throughout the PA system and the words of Dave Mustaine's voice echoes throughout the arena, "As I climb onto your back, I will promise not to sting. I will, tell you what you want to hear and not mean anything. Then I, treat you like a dog, as I shoot my venom in. You pretend you didn't know, that I am The Scorpion, whoa!" The jeering intensifies as the instrumental after the chorus hits the speakers, drawing out the reigning High Octane Wrestling Icon champion. Walking down the aisle, he talks trash the entire way while raising a fist at a few of the more vocal bashers. As he finally gets to the ring, he climbs the nearest turnbuckle and stares down at the crown, an icy glare and the throat slash gesture his only actions as he drops to the mat.
Nigel Lette takes the ICON Championship off Stevens, as he ensures the two men are separated, as McVay prepares himself for the introductions.
Bryan McVay: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, is a Lee Best Invitational match in the Omar Rasheem Group and is for the High Octane Wrestling ICON Championship!
The crowd roar after McVay’s introduction, Lette raising the ICON Championship high above his head so that everyone can see the Championship.
Bryan McVay: Introducing first, standing to my left, he is the challenger! He weighed in at two hundred thirty five pounds and comes to us from Miami, Florida, he represents the Best Alliance and is the master of the Sektor Stretch...he is JOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN SEKTORRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sektor raises his arms as most of the Connecticut crowd boo him, a few vocal Best Alliance marks make their presence felt, however.
Bryan McVay: And his opponent...standing to my right, he is the reigning, defending High Octane Wrestling ICON Champion, he weighed in at two hundred fifty six pounds and hails from Houston, Texas...he is “THE SCORPION” SCOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT STEEEEEEEVENSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stevens doesn’t play to the crowd reaction, obviously in his favor, instead not removing his icy glare from the confident looking John Sektor who’s stood across the ring from him. Lette moves to show Sektor the Championship, Sektor slapping both hands against the belt’s main plate. Stevens shows no reaction to his Championship being shown to him, refusing to take his eyes off John Sektor. Lette quickly passes the Championship out of the ring before he signals for the bell!
Joe Hoffman: And we are under way!
Benny Newell: This is going to be like those two matches earlier tonight, ‘cept Sektor’s going to annihilate Stevens and send him to the hospital! Boom, all done in two minutes, Benny can go get his hooker early! DRINK!
Joe Hoffman: I highly doubt that.
Benny Newell: Yeah, which is why you’re a clueless asshole and I’m “Big Buff” Benny fucking Newell.
Joe Hoffman: Right...
The two wrestlers circle each other as the crowd buzzes with anticipation, neither quite willing to make the first move - at least not until Sektor unleashes a tirade that has Stevens immediately hurling punch after punch, backing the Best Alliance member into the corner! He continues his onslaught as Lette starts the five count! Lette gets all the way up to four before he realises that he’s going to have to disqualify Stevens before he stops, so instead, he puts himself between the two men, shoving Stevens into the center of the ring, furiously remonstrating with him to follow the rules! Stevens doesn’t appreciate Lette’s lecture, and flies at Sektor, unleashing a furious European Uppercut, knocking Sektor to the canvas!
Joe Hoffman: And the opening minutes here are all Stevens, ragdolling Sektor with punch after punch!
Benny Newell: It’s not a big deal, Hoffman, Sektor’s just wearing him down...
Joe Hoffman: By letting him use his head as a punching bag? It seems like a questionable tactic to me, Benny...
Benny Newell: Which is why you’re not in the Best Alliance! DRINK!
Stevens doesn’t let Sektor lay on the canvas to recoup his breath, dragging him back to his feet where he quickly takes him up and over with a vertical suplex! He quickly floats into the cover...
One...
And Sektor kicks out!
Benny Newell: Too early...waaaaaaaay too fucking early.
Joe Hoffman: That point is unarguable, Benny. Stevens should have looked to wear Sektor down just a little more if he wanted to get a little more out of that pinfall.
Stevens doesn’t remonstrate with Lette this time, instead dragging Sektor back to his feet and whipping him into the ropes, smashing him into the canvas with a spinebuster before he grabs both Sektor’s legs and transitions into a Boston Crab! Sektor immediately starts crawling towards the ropes, and despite Stevens’ best efforts to free himself, the Best Alliance member easily grasps hold of the bottom rope. Lette calls for the break, which he doesn’t immediately get, managing to get to a count of four before Stevens releases the hold. Stevens, again, advances on Sektor, but as he leans in to pick Sektor back up, Sektor grabs him by the back of his neck and rolls him up! Lette quickly drops to the canvas to start counting...
One...
Two...
NO!
Joe Hoffman: Sektor nearly caught Stevens completely by surprise there with that School Boy!
Benny Newell: Yeah, see, Best Alliance greatness, Hoffman. Imagine if that had worked - that fuck would never have been able to live it down! Caught off guard by Sektor’s first offensive move of the match...woulda been fucking golden!
Joe Hoffman: You’re right, that would have been a hard thing to live down, Benny. Lucky for Stevens, he kicked out right before Lette’s hand struck the mat for a third time.
Benny Newell: Mmm...fucking luck, that’s what him kicking out was. Luck. DRINK!
Stevens, escaping from the hold, looks fucking furious as he charges straight at Sektor, who ducks out of the way. Again, Stevens charges at Sektor but walks right into a dropkick, which sends him staggering back into the ropes with enough force to rebound him! As he comes back at Sektor, Sektor quickly hurls him overhead with a Belly to Belly suplex! Still, this isn’t enough to keep Stevens down, again charging at Sektor who this time, takes him down with a drop toe hold! Stevens’ face smashes into the canvas as Sektor picks a leg and sits down into a single legged Boston Crab!
Joe Hoffman: A nice little bit of technical wrestling there from Sektor, grounding his opponent.
Benny Newell: Because like everyone else in the BA, he’s a wrestling machine, Hoffman!
Joe Hoffman: With the exception of Scottywood after his performance tonight, right?
Benny Newell: Fuck you, Hoffman! Fuck you! Scotty could be seriously hurt! Insensitive fuck!
Joe Hoffman: My apologies..
Benny Newell: Damn fucking straight you better apologize or the rest of the BA will be down here to beat the ever loving shit out of your queer ass!
Stevens starts to crawl to the ropes, but as he starts to make real progress, Sektor gets up and drags him back to the middle of the ring, before he drops down into a STF! Again, Stevens starts to struggle towards the ropes as Sektor wrenches back on the hold, doing his level best to make Stevens submit right here and now! Lette checks on Stevens, who’s adamant that he doesn’t want to quit, instead continuing his slow, torturous crawl towards the ropes...which he eventually makes. Lette again, starts to count, getting all the way to four before Sektor breaks the hold, quickly following up with a series of stomps to Stevens’ back! Stevens quickly rolls out of the ring, looking for a quick time out!
Joe Hoffman: Smart strategy by Stevens there, looking to create a little bit of distance between himself and Sektor, give himself a moment to breathe and re-evaluate the match!
Benny Newell: Oh, so it’s okay? I bet if it was Sektor who did that, you’d be crying about how he’s wasting fucking time and should just get on with the match!
Joe Hoffman: No, I think I’d be calling it smart strategy, Benny. Both wrestlers tonight have clearly shown their smarts in the ring, Sektor doing his best to ground Stevens and work him over on the canvas, whereas Stevens has looked to keep a higher pace to the match.
Benny Newell: If he’s been looking to keep the match at a higher pace, why the fuck is he stalling outside of the ring?
Joe Hoffman: Touche.
Sektor doesn’t let Stevens get far, reaching over the top rope and grabbing a handful of hair, pulling Stevens up onto the apron! Stevens, however, grabs the back of Sektor’s head and pulls it down across the top rope! Sektor staggers back into the ring, allowing Stevens a chance to get back in where he immediately charges at Sektor, nailing him with a vicious lariat! He doesn’t let Sektor lie there, immediately hoisting him up and onto his shoulders, before he drives his head into the mat with Houston We Have A Problem! He drops into the pinfall, not bothering to hook the leg...
One...
Two....
NO!
Sektor easily moves a shoulder up!
Joe Hoffman: Had Stevens hooked the leg, he might have had more success with that move right there, Benny.
Benny Newell: I fucking doubt it, Hoffman. I mean, seriously? With a signature? When the fuck do they ever end the match?
Joe Hoffman: Well, they might - especially a move like that.
Benny Newell: C’mon, douchebag, this is pro fucking wrestling. Nobody ever wins with a signature unless it’s a squash match. DRINK!
Stevens looks a little frustrated as he drags Sektor back to his feet, the Best Alliance member obviously woozy, as Stevens again, picks him up, this time driving him into the canvas with the Scorpion Driver! He doesn’t look for the pinfall, this time grabbing hold of Sektor’s legs, and starting to hook him up for the Arachnophobia...but doesn’t get very far, as again, Sektor reaches up and schoolboys him!
One...
Two....
NO!!!!
Stevens defines the term “By a cunt hair” as he again escapes the school boy!
Benny Newell: John Sektor’s making the school boy mean something here tonight!
Joe Hoffman: He is, Benny - another near fall off one right there!
Stevens is up to his feet before Sektor, stalking the man he’s worn down...and he takes a moment to signal for the Toxic Sting! Sektor gets to his feet and Stevens boots him in the gut, grabs his head and looks to drop...
But Sektor shoves him away! Stevens staggers forward before he charges back at Sektor who drops underneath the lariat attempt, popping up behind Stevens before he fires off a huge German suplex! The Scorpion lands hard but gets back up and returns fire with a T-Bone suplex of his own, but like the German before it, this suplex is not enough to keep the man down! Sektor’s straight back up and the two of them, instead of exchanging yet more suplexes decide that the best course of action is to exchange punch after punch, Stevens eventually getting the advantage! He fires Sektor into the ropes, setting himself up for the Double S Spinebuster, but a Sektor boot to the face stops that dead! Sektor quickly DDTs Stevens, before he moves to Stevens legs, looking for the Sektor Stretch! Stevens starts to fight, and eventually reaches the ropes before Sektor can get the hold on!
Benny Newell: Man, it was nearly over right then and there!
Joe Hoffman: Indeed, Benny, it was close!
Benny Newell: Not close enough though, Hoffman. DRINK!
Sektor’s up to his feet first, closely followed by Stevens...and the exchange of blows starts once again! Sektor cuts it off at the pass, booting Stevens in the balls with a punt most NFL kickers would be proud of! He quickly butterflies Stevens arms...
Benny Newell: C-SEKTION! YES! YES! DRINK! FUCKING DRINK IT’S OVER!
Lette drops...
One...
Two...
NO!!!
Somehow, someway, Stevens kicks out!
The crowd roar, as the look of disbelief on Sektor’s face is clear for all to see! He remonstrates with Lette about the count, but the referee is firm - only two!
Benny Newell: BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! THAT COUNT WAS SLOW!!!
Joe Hoffman: It seemed fine to me, Benny...Stevens just found something extra right there to kick out of that hold. What resilience!
Benny Newell: What bullshit, more like it.
Sektor continues to argue with Lette, allowing more than enough time for Stevens to get up. Sektor eventually turns around, finding himself face to face with Stevens...and it’s a quick boot to the gut before Stevens actually connects with the Toxic Sting!!! The crowd go fucking apeshit as Stevens slumps into a perfunctory cover...
One...
Two....
NO!!!!!!!!!!!
Benny Newell: HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT WAS BULLSHIT!!!
Joe Hoffman: And now it’s Sektor’s turn to pull the unbelievable kickout!
Benny Newell: I’m not sure how much more I can take of this, Hoffman. I’m really not. DRINK!
Joe Hoffman: Just take some of your happy pills, Benny...that should see you through.
Benny Newell: You know, Hoffman, that’s the first good thing you’ve said all fucking night.
Stevens does exactly the same thing Sektor did before - argues with Lette about the count with a look of disbelief on his face! And just like before, it lets Sektor come around...but he doesn’t stay vertical for long, hurling himself into the back of Stevens’ knees, dropping the Champion to the canvas. He quickly grabs a leg before he locks in the Sektor stretch!
Benny Newell: This is it - this is it right here, Hoffman. New Champion! DRINK! FUCKING DRINK!
Joe Hoffman: Nobody’s escaped from this vicious hold yet...you might be right, Benny!
Stevens struggles, pulling at Sektor’s arms, trying to free himself from the hold, absolutely refusing to tap out! He screams out as Sektor synches the hold in even tighter, and starts to fade. Lette again drops in to check on him, and when he doesn’t get a response, he raises Stevens’ arm...
And it falls.
Again, Lette leans in close, checking on Stevens, before he raises Stevens arm for a second time...
And again, it falls.
The crowd buzz as Lette lifts Stevens’ arm for a third and final time, holding it in the air for what seems like an age before he releases it....
(This is a really big fucking space. If it’s not big enough for you? Then go fuck yourself.)
And it crashes against the canvas! Lette quickly gestures for the bell, and Bryan McVay immediately springs into action...
Bryan McVay: Your winner, by way of submission after 24 minutes and 45 seconds and NEWWWWWWWWWW HOW ICON CHAMPION....JOHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN SEKKKKKKKKKKKKTORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Benny Newell: Yes! Yes! I fucking told you! DRINK!
Joe Hoffman: You did, and folks, we have a new ICON Champion in John Sektor!
Benny Newell: Damn fucking right...he gets to hold that sexy, sexy fucking belt. I’d fuck it.
Joe Hoffman: Uhh....
Benny Newell: What? I totally would. Me, that belt, a hotel room, some lube...
Joe Hoffman: I don’t want to know any more, Benny. Please stop.
Benny Newell: Fuck you, Hoffman! Fuck you!
Just like last week, we’re greeted with the sight of the three uninjured Best Alliance members coming down to the ring to celebrate with the new Champion! It isn’t long before Fury picks up a still unconcious Scorpion, holding him up as Keller delivers a vicious Centrifugal Elbow to Stevens! The beatdown isn’t done, as Fury again, drags him back up, this time, nailing a Fury Bomb on him! And, as if that wasn’t enough, Townsend drags him up for a third and final time, absolutely nailing him with a Hammer of God!
Benny Newell: Man, this is just fucking great. Seriously fucking awesome. What more do you want?! DRINK!
Joe Hoffman: Morelike absolutely disgusting. I can’t believe they’re doing this! He’s defenseless!
Benny Newell: Which makes it even better, Hoffman!
And then, out of nowhere - or perhaps out of somewhere, being as it was hinted at just a segment ago, that theme music hits. You know the song - you know the one. The one that heralds the entrance of God himself. Lee Best appears on the ramp, Besty VII on a leash as the ring crew scramble to erect a ramp up to the ring to allow the calf access to the ring as the Best Alliance members inside drag the clearly unconcious Stevens back to his feet, holding him steady, as he prepares to meet one of the institutions of HOW. The ring ropes removed, the cow and Lee Best make their way into the ring as the BA watch with smiles on their faces. Lee gestures at Benny, at ringside.
Benny Newell: I’m up, Hoffhole. DRINK!
Benny chugs down the last of his bottle, quickly sprinting into the ring and pulling down Stevens tights, exposing him to all the world.
Lee moves the calf into position as the hungry calf prepares to do what it has been bred to do......to suck.
Joe Hoffman: Really? Again?
The camera zooms into the face of a groggy Stevens as he finally realizes what is about to happen and as he makes eye contact with the calf the two share a quick moment and as a look of horror comes across the face of the now former ICON Champion, Besty VII slowly makes her way over to him as his shriveled up penis tries to crawl inside of his body.
Suddenly and out of nowhere, another immediately recognizable piece of theme music hits.
That of Lee Best’s estranged son.
“The Best Around” by Joe Esposito explodes over the sound system, bringing the arena to it’s feet in a rush of cheers. The bestiality in the ring is paused for the moment as the entire Best Alliance turns to the entranceway.
Joe Hoffman: Here comes the cavalry!
As the crowd and everyone in the ring turn their attention towards the entrance ramp, Benny Newell quickly slides outta the ring and back to the announce table as its obvious he is no longer in his element.
Back at the top of the ramp, Michael Best doesn’t immediately appear.. instead what looks like a piece of meat on a stick appears.. then.. something furry.. and hungry. A mane of golden hair wreathing a thickly built head followed by a long muscular body, the Adonis of the feline family.. seated atop it, holding a stick with a steak hanging from it is none other than Michael Best himself.. and of course his steed, if you hadn't guessed yet?
A Lion.
A LION!?
Not a stuffed one, not a toy one, not a dog shaved like a lion. No.. no a Lion. Not a Tiger or a Lyger or even a Panther..
A MOTHERFUCKING LION.
Joe Hoffman: Oh my God...
Benny Newell: JESUSFUCKINGCHRISTWHATTHEFUCK?!
And Benny is right to scream that, as his grasp on zoology involved watching hours of Whalecock on the Discovery Channel and of course, the bestiality classic “Mary Had a Little Lamb”. So as far as he knew, Mike had just brought the Loch Ness Monster and Big Foot’s terrifying cat to the HOW show. The Best Alliance, however, were quicker on the uptake and considerably less drunk/high/tripping save for perhaps Townsend. Immediately, like roaches fleeing the light, the Alliance shatters when they notice that Mike has “encouraged” the Lion to charge the stage like some kind of deranged San Juan Hill charge. Impressed? It’s not everyday you get a Teddy Roosevelt reference in your High Octane Wrestling. In America. Back on task however, the ring clears of everyone..
….save Lee “I Fucked Mike’s mom and all I got was this lousy Son” Best.
Benny Newell: LEE! OH GOD LEE! GET OUT OF THERE!
Joe Hoffman: Jesus Christ, for once we agree Benny!
Mike reaches the ring atop his High Octane Wrestling Lion Steed, staring at the ramp used for Bestie before he jerks his meat stick to the side causing the lion to roar loudly, claws tearing the ramp to the side before the massive African monster simply jumps, with Mike on it’s back, onto the side of the ring as razor claws tear the top rope in half, it’s golden brown eyes staring into the eyes of Lee Best himself who stares right back at it.. The crowd could not possibly be louder. This is the loudest moment in HOW history, as Michael Lee Best and an actual fucking lion stare straight ahead at his father Lee and a scrumptious looking piece of walking, mooing veal.
Mike moves the meat stick in Lee’s direction, causing the Lion to roar. This causes Lee to flinch just a little bit, but the stubborn owner of High Octane Wrestling refuses to yield. He pats Besty lovingly on the side, ordering the Best Alliance to get back into the ring and destroy his son... but no one complies, because that’s a mother fucking lion in the ring and #Predictable rarely goes hand in hand with a FUCKING LION.
Lee once again orders them to get into the ring and do their jobs, but apparently no one wants to try and DDT a MOTHERFUCKING LION. Finally, as the stare down hits a boiling point, Rhys Townsend and John Sektor climb up onto the apron behind Lee and literally pull him out of the ring to safety as he screams and curses them. His hand reaches out toward his precious Besty, who simply chews some cud and stares doe eyed at Lee! The crowd boos vehemently as Mike shakes his head, mocking the BA for bailing like a bunch of cowards.
Suddenly the boos turn to cheers, as Mike shrugs his shoulders and tosses the meat stick…
Time freezes, as Besty turns her head toward the incoming stick.. a small splattering of manure hits the ring before the cow looks lazily back at Lee.. right into his eyes..
Joe Hoffman: OH MY SWEET MERCIFUL LORD JESUS!
Benny Newell: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The arena actually goes silent for a moment as the lion charges into Besty, sinking his oversized fangs right into the neck of the sodomite calf, tearing its throat out in one seamless bite. Lee screams before a spray of #970000 strikes him in the face, along with Sektor and Rhys who are holding the God of HOW at bay. Lee is shocked as he reaches his shaking hands to his face wiping away his favorite color..
The sound of bones crunching and meat tearing fill the ring, as the crowd is unsure how to react to this horrific display of animalistic savagery. Even Mike has gone a little pale sitting atop his carnivorous Segway sent straight from Hell to High Octane Wrestling, blood flowing quite freely as the golden hair becomes slick with bile and viscera. As the life drains from Besty’s eyes they never leave Lee’s, who seems to have gone into complete hysterics, screaming words that don’t even make sense anymore and leaving some to wonder if perhaps Doctor Seuss had witness a loved one consumed by a Lion before writing his work. Probably not.. but it’s food for thought.
Commentary has gone silent. Only the sounds of Joe Hoffman gently vomiting can be heard.
Townsend and Sektor begin to carry Lee away from the ring, as he screams and curses at his son and his dangerous new ally. There is a sudden close up shot of Michael Best and his secret weapon, as the lion licks its chops and digs into the still twitching calf corpse while the blood begins to spill out of the ring like some disgusting fountain.
Monday Night Mayhem goes off the air.