Post by Jman2k3 on Jul 1, 2018 0:29:25 GMT
Joe Hoffman: Welcome back to Mayhem ladies and gentlemen, we’ve already got three matches in the books but now it’s time to turn up the level of intensity to eleven as we’re about to witness the first of two tournament final matches.
Benny Newell: Oh fucks sake, really? You mean finally after sitting here watching a bunch of jerkoffs and jackasses bore me to fucking death like an episode of a certain podcast everyone hates that I get to finally see some fucking tits?!
Joe Hoffman: I hate when you use that kind of language Benny, but to answer your question yes. We’re moments away from finding out just who will walk away with the chance to face Jace Parker Davidson for the HOW LSD & ICON Championship belts at ICONIC.
Benny Newell: Tits…
Joe Hoffman: In one corner you have a man that many consider a perennial maybe even lonesome loser who tonight is one win away from Redemption. A man that hasn’t backed down from the face of danger and even dared used the Champion’s face as his own personal welcome mat just last week on Mayhem.
Benny Newell: …Tits…
Joe Hoffman: And in the other corner you have the person that is looked at as nothing more than the Whore of HOW. She is a lady of the night that yearns to soar to the top of the mountain and prove her mettle as a top contender for gold here in High Octane Wrestling. However this woman has been forced and shackled by the binds of the Champion and forced to live the lifestyle of his own sick and twisted vision of a proper lady.
Benny Newell: Son of a bitch! Goddamn will you PLEASE shut the fuck up already Hoffman and get the fucking tits out here already?!
Benny gets his wish as the camera swings to the ring where Bryan McVay is standing front and center with his microphone in hand.
Bryan McVay: The following match is scheduled for one fall and the winner will claim a shot at the HOW LSD & ICON Championship belts at ICONIC!!!!!
Suddenly the lights dim and the sound of “I Get Off” by Halestorm fills the arena. The crowd stands on their feet and cheers loudly as Kirsta Lewis makes her way out on stage. Much like last week Kirsta Lewis is in a long dress, pink with laces this time, and instead of her trusty lead pipe she holding about a dozen of white roses. Kirsta takes a bow to the crowd with a frown on her face before regaining her proper upright form as she strolls her way down the ramp.
Bryan McVay: Introducing first from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida weighing in tonight at 130lbs. She is the Hellcat KIRSTA LEWISSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
Kirsta makes her way up the steel ring steps then gingerly walks along the ring apron while waving to the crowd. Kirsta steps through the ropes and enters the ring. Kirsta places her flowers down in the corner before reaching for the bottom of her dress and completely rips it off of her body to reveal an extra skimpy set of ring attire for tonight’s match.
Benny Newell: The last time I seen something that small squeezed into tight places I was flossing.
Joe Hoffman: No one wants to hear about what you did in the bathroom this morning Benny.
Benny Newell: This morning? What the fuck makes you think I’ve flossed in this DECADE?!
Joe Hoffman: Well… I uh… that’s just… I don’t know if that’s exactly…
Benny Newell: Tits Joe, Tits! Focus on the fucking Tits! DRINK!
Kirsta poses for a few times for the fans before reaching up to grab her flowers out of the corner once again. The lights in the arena go pitch black, as red lasers and spotlights light up the area. The video screen lights up and flashes across the screen, "Nothing survives my sting!" The crowd reaction is mixed, but there are more cheers than boos, as an electric guitar wails throughout the PA system and the words of Dave Mustaine's voice echoes throughout the arena, "As I climb onto your back, I will promise not to sting. I will, tell you what you want to hear and not mean anything. Then I, treat you like a dog, as I shoot my venom in. You pretend you didn't know, that I am The Scorpion, whoa!"
Joe Hoffman: I think we all know what this means!
Benny Newell: ...Huh?
The cheers intensify as the instrumental after the chorus hits the speakers, drawing out the man from Texas. Scott Stevens stands out proudly on stage wearing his flak jacket as he just soaks in the excitement of the crowd. Stevens looks completely determined here tonight as he slowly makes his way down the ramp towards the ring.
Bryan McVay: And her opponent from Houston, deep in the GREAT STATE of TEXAS! Weighing in tonight at 256lbs. He is The Scorpion SCOTT STEVENSSSSS!!!!!!!
Joe Hoffman: The only and only entrance of the Scorpion!
Benny Newell: ...Wha?!
Joe Hoffman: I’m talking about the arrival of Scott Stevens!
Benny Newell: …I have no idea why someone would do that, but I would totally butter my toast with her nipples.
Joe Hoffman: What in the hell are you talking about Benny?!
Benny Newell: The fuck? Sorry, I zoned out… did you say something?
Joe Hoffman: You’re disrespecting Scott Stevens right now!
Benny Newell: Well Scott Stevens is disrespecting my short attention span! All I care about is tits and this motherfucker takes a year to get to the ring. This is the most ridiculously long entrance in HOW right now so fuck off if I lost interest before that piece of shit even made it to the ring.
Scott Stevens walks around the ring a couple of times fist bumping the fans but never once taking his eyes off of Kirsta Lewis. Stevens rolls under the bottom rope and enters the ring. Stevens gets to his feet quickly then makes his way to the corner and begins climbing the turnbuckle. Stevens looks out at the crowd and gestures towards his waist that he’s bringing home the gold at ICONIC.
Joe Hoffman: Regardless of my partner’s opinion I think this is going to be one absolutely fascinating match and I know somewhere deep inside of this arena Jace Parker Davidson is watching closely.
Stevens hops down off of the turnbuckle and waits in his corner as referee Joel Hortega calls for the bell to signal the start of this tournament final match.
--DING DING DING--
Hortega steps away from the center of the ring and there is a tense moment where neither Scott Stevens or Kirsta Lewis makes a single move out of their respective corners. Stevens looks determined but Kirsta on the other hand is grinning ear to ear in an eerie fashion as she holds onto her white roses. Stevens cocks his head curiously but all is revealed as one by one Kirsta releases her grip on the roses letting them hit the canvas until the only thing remaining in her hand is a steel pipe with razor blades welded into it.
Joe Hoffman: Well Kirsta just let her intentions known right off the bat here tonight!
Benny Newell: Sweet mercy when Stevens takes that up the ass here in a few seconds I bet when he farts from now on it’ll sound like the number 5 pulling into Grand Central Station!
Kirsta charges out of her corner at full steam at Stevens with her pipe held high above her head. Kirsta swings for the fences looking to take out Stevens in one blow but Stevens manages to move out of the way quickly enough. Kirsta’s pipe connects with the top turnbuckle pad and becomes stuck there thanks to the razor blades.
Benny Newell: Don’t aim for his head! He only takes Tampons in the mouth because everything else goes up his ass!
Joe Hoffman: You have to wonder just how much influence Jace Parker Davidson has with Kirsta using this weapon tonight against Stevens as a measure of payback for last week.
Kirsta tries to dislodge the weapon but Stevens quickly takes advantage by grabbing a hold of Kirsta from behind and hits her with a belly to back suplex that takes her down to the canvas hard. Kirsta quickly gets back up to her feet but walks right into a discuss clotheslines from Stevens that sends her crumbling back down to the canvas. Stevens doesn’t give Kirsta time to breath as he pulls her back up to her feet and whips her into the opposite turnbuckle spine first hard. Hortega finally pulls Kirsta’s weapon from the turnbuckle pad and tosses it from the ring as Stevens gets a running start. Stevens leaps into the air and connects with a big time Stinger Splash in the corner that rocks the Hellcat.
Joe Hoffman: Stevens is rolling here and Kirsta hasn’t had any offense so far in this match!
Benny Newell: You just wait, that monkey is just working up a sweat. He’s just getting his asshole all nice and lubed for anal destruction!
Stevens backs away from the corner as Kirsta is on wobbly legs. Stevens hits the ropes as Kirsta is staggered before hitting her full force with a Stan Hanson style Lariat that just about decapitates her right in the center of the ring. However that isn’t enough as Stevens pulls himself up to his feet and begins to drag Kirsta back up to a vertical base while she’s still out of it. Stevens hooks Kirsta up then snaps her over with the Arachnid-Plex right in the center of the ring. Stevens bridges and holds for the cover as Hortega slides in for the count.
UNO!
DOS!
NO! Kirsta brakes the bridge and gets her shoulder off the canvas before the three!
Joe Hoffman: That was close Benny, we almost saw Scott Stevens advance to earn himself a shot at the HOW LSD & ICON Championship belts at ICONIC in dominant fashion.
Benny Newell: No way that happens Hoffhole, once a Lonesome Loser always a Lonesome Loser. Stevens just needs to bend over and take it like uh… well… a Stevens!
Joe Hoffman: That’s very inappropriate Benny and besides that saying is take it like a man.
Benny Newell: And I would have fucking said that if I was talking about a man but I’m not, I’m talking about a Stevens.
Joe Hoffman: Are you saying Stevens isn’t a man?!
Benny Newell: I’m saying there are former HOW flakes looking to rent out his womb right now to open up a Bistro because of its spacious ambience!
Stevens gets back up to his feet than takes advantage of the fact Kirsta hasn’t quite got it together yet and slaps on a reverse chinlock. Stevens pulls all his weight and strength into the hold trying to wear down his smaller opponent but Kirsta slowly but surely fights her way back up to a vertical base. Kirsta rears back and begins firing off rapid elbow shots to the ribs of Stevens trying to break the hold but they have little to no effort because Stevens’ flak jacket is absorbing all the damage.
Joe Hoffman: Great technical wrestling by Stevens here keeping the brutal hardcore style of Kirsta Lewis a non-factor here tonight!
Benny Newell: The fucking jacket is doing all the work!
Frustrated Kirsta finally stops down on the foot of Stevens as hard as she can which finally causes him to break the hold. Stevens hops around on one foot in pain but Kirsta leaps into the air and takes Stevens down to the canvas with a Lou Thesz press. Kirsta mounts herself on top of Stevens but instead of firing off right hands to his face Kirsta leans down and…
Benny Newell: Holy fuck is she kissing him?!?!
Joe Hoffman: NO! No, Kirsta is biting him, she’s biting Stevens on the nose!
Benny Newell: I bet it tastes like Townsend’s falafel.
Joel Hortega steps in and begins to pull Kirsta off of Stevens who kicks his feet while holding his nose in pain. Hortega finally get Kirsta off of him and tosses her towards the ropes as he goes to check on Stevens. However Stevens quickly pulls himself up to his feet now pissed the hell off at Kirsta. Stevens charges at Kirsta at full speed but at the last moment Kirsta pulls down the top rope sending Stevens tumbling over the top rope and down to the arena floor hard.
Joe Hoffman: It wasn’t the most conventional of ways but now Kirsta is in control of this match.
Kirsta takes a moment to shake the cobwebs loose before sliding out of the ring after Stevens. Kirsta grabs a hold of Stevens then walks him over around the ringside area before slamming him down head first onto the announcers table. Kirsta doesn’t let up as she grabs a hold of Stevens and pulls him up to his feet. Kirsta uses all of her strength to whip Stevens into the steel ring steps as hard as she can causing him to collide with them and flip completely over them before crashing down to the arena floor. Kirsta walks around the ringside area and then grabs a hold of a steel chair.
Benny Newell: What did I tell you Hoffman? Hardcore Whore style trumps faggot pants technical wrestling any day of the week!
Kirsta stalks around the ringside area as Stevens is barely moving. Stevens fights his way up to his hands and knees but Kirsta raises the steel chair high into the air. Kirsta lips over her bottom lip as she sends the steel chair crashing down across the spine of Scott Stevens with a brutal force. Stevens is limp on the arena floor as Kirsta takes the steel chair tosses it behind her back carelessly now that she’s done with it. Kirsta grabs a hold of Stevens and pulls him back up to a vertical base before rolling him back into the ring.
Joe Hoffman: I think it’s safe to say all Kirsta has to do is cover Stevens now and this one is over.
Instead of sliding into the ring to make the cover on Stevens like she should Kirsta instead grabs a hold of her steel pipe and slides back into the ring with it. Kirsta gets to her feet holding the pipe but Stevens isn’t moving or stirring at all on the canvas. Kirsta kicks and screams at Stevens to get up but Stevens doesn’t move a muscle.
Joe Hoffman: Why isn’t she pinning him?! This is over!
Benny Newell: This isn’t about pins! He’s lying on his stomach! It’s time! Here comes ANAL DESTRUCTION!!!
Kirsta leans down and begins to pull and tug at Stevens’ flak jacket trying to take it off but that finally gets Stevens moving. Kirsta steps back and begins measuring Stevens up as he slowly struggles back up to a vertical base.
Benny Newell: Prolapse his Texas bunghole!!!!
Stevens is up and Kirsta charges but Stevens sees her coming and hits her Double S Spinebuster that literally shakes the foundation of the ring.
Joe Hoffman: Yes! Wrestling prevails! Here’s the cover!
Kirsta loses grip of her weapon as Stevens indeed hooks the leg and makes the cover while Hortega slides in for the count.
UNO!
DOS!
TRE—NO!!!!!! Kirsta kicks out before the three!!!!
Joe Hoffman: That was so close and yet somehow Stevens just can’t seem to put Kirsta away!
Benny Newell: Funny since Kirsta loving being on her back.
Stevens gets back to his feet then grabs a hold of Kirsta and yanks her back up to a vertical base. Stevens lifts Kirsta up to his shoulders before connecting with Houston We Have A Problem right in the center of the ring. Stevens powers back up to his feet then grabs a hold of Kirsta by the hair drags her back up yet again. Stevens begins Kirsta over backwards then plants her down to the canvas with the Scorpion Death Drop. Stevens powers back up to his feet again completely pumped up as he stalks around Kirsta who is struggling to regain her vertical base. Stevens plants a boot to the mid-section then snaps it off perfectly with…
Joe Hoffman: THE TOXIC STING! WE HAVE A NEW NUMBER 1 CONTENDER!
Kirsta hits the canvas like a sack of shit from the impact of the finisher. Scott Stevens hooks the leg and makes the cover on Kirsta Lewis as Hortega slides in for the count.
UNO!
DOS!
TRES!
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KIRSTA GOT HER FOOT ON THE BOTTOM ROPE!!!!!!!
Joe Hoffman: I don’t understand how! I don’t understand how Kirsta has taken all of this punishment, hasn’t even attempted one pinfall and yet she’s still in this match?!
Benny Newell: This match don’t end until that pipe makes sweet fucking symphony with one traumatized Texan’s asshole.
Stevens can’t fucking believe it, he gets to his feet and jacks up Hortega by the collar but Hortega tells him it was only a two count. Stevens loses his mind and begins to tear off his flak jacket. Stevens paces around the ring until finally grabbing a hold of the steel pipe and lifting it up off of the canvas.
Scott Stevens: You want Brutal you fucking CUNT?! You want Hardcore?! Get the fuck up and I’ll show you just how fucking Brutal and Hardcore I can be!!!!!
Stevens yells at the top of his lungs as Kirsta slowly begins to use the ropes to pull herself back up to her feet. Stevens grips the pipe tightly as the crowd stands on their feet.
Joe Hoffman: Don’t do it Stevens! You’ve used wrestling this entire match and you’ve dominated! Don’t let desperate cloud your better judgment!
Kirsta holds onto the top rope to try and steady her wobbly legs as Stevens charges. Steven swing and completely levels Kirsta with a shot to the head with the steel pipe planting it into her skull in horrific fashion.
Joe Hoffman: Oh dear GOD! He’s murdered her!
Benny Newell: Kirsta’s a big girl, someone get her a tampon and a Milky Way, she’ll walk it off.
Stevens yanks the weapon away from Kirsta’s skull before she hits the canvas hard. Hortega gets in Stevens’ face and begins screaming to him in Spanish but Stevens pays Hortega no attention as he tosses the weapon to the outside of the ring. Again
Hortega gets in Stevens’ face but Stevens pushes Hortega out of the way as he steps through the ropes and begins climbing the turnbuckle. Kirsta is out cold on the canvas as Stevens perches himself on the top rope and signals for the finish. Stevens leaps off the top rope going for a big Five Star Frog Splash but with the last bit of energy she has Kirsta leaps back up to her feet from the dead! Kirsta leaps into the air catching Stevens in mid-air and begins him crashing down to the canvas with both her knees planted squarely into the unprotected ribs of the Scorpion.
Joe Hoffman: No Flak Jacket! She might have just broken all of his ribs!
Benny Newell: It’s not anal destruction but I’ll take it!
Stevens curls into a ball on the canvas in extreme amounts of pain as Kirsta quickly takes advantage. Kirsta hooks the leg and makes the cover on Stevens as the Hortega slides in.
UNO!
DOS!
TRES!
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Joe Hoffman: How did he kick out?! What is it going to take for every of these two to stay down?!
Benny Newell: They need to stop teasing my Murder boner and end this already!
Kirsta pulls herself back up to her feet and just leans against the corner completely spent covered from heads to tits in blood as somehow, some way Stevens refuses to remain lying on the canvas. He fights, he scratches, he crawls, he uses the ropes and even Hortega but finally Stevens is back up to a vertical base even though he shouldn’t be medical able to stand right now. Kirsta charges and then snaps off the final note in this epic war with a HELL’S BITCH KICK! Kirsta falls to the canvas and lays an arm over Stevens as Hortega slides in.
UNO!
DOS!
TRES!!!!!!!
DING DING DING
Bryan McVay: Here is your winner and the #1 contender to the HOW LSD & ICON Championship belts at ICONIC…. KIRSSSSSSSTAAAAAAA LEWWWWWWWISSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
Joe Hoffman: It was bloody, it was brutal, it was a fucking war but in the end it’s Kirsta Lewis that gets one more crack at Jace Parker Davidson and the HOW LSD & ICON Championship belts!
Benny Newell: I told you Hoffhole you don’t fight nature. Lonesome Loser’s always lose… it’s what they do!
EMT’s rush down to the ring to check on both wrestlers as we cut away to the backstage area of the arena.
Benny Newell: Oh fucks sake, really? You mean finally after sitting here watching a bunch of jerkoffs and jackasses bore me to fucking death like an episode of a certain podcast everyone hates that I get to finally see some fucking tits?!
Joe Hoffman: I hate when you use that kind of language Benny, but to answer your question yes. We’re moments away from finding out just who will walk away with the chance to face Jace Parker Davidson for the HOW LSD & ICON Championship belts at ICONIC.
Benny Newell: Tits…
Joe Hoffman: In one corner you have a man that many consider a perennial maybe even lonesome loser who tonight is one win away from Redemption. A man that hasn’t backed down from the face of danger and even dared used the Champion’s face as his own personal welcome mat just last week on Mayhem.
Benny Newell: …Tits…
Joe Hoffman: And in the other corner you have the person that is looked at as nothing more than the Whore of HOW. She is a lady of the night that yearns to soar to the top of the mountain and prove her mettle as a top contender for gold here in High Octane Wrestling. However this woman has been forced and shackled by the binds of the Champion and forced to live the lifestyle of his own sick and twisted vision of a proper lady.
Benny Newell: Son of a bitch! Goddamn will you PLEASE shut the fuck up already Hoffman and get the fucking tits out here already?!
Benny gets his wish as the camera swings to the ring where Bryan McVay is standing front and center with his microphone in hand.
Bryan McVay: The following match is scheduled for one fall and the winner will claim a shot at the HOW LSD & ICON Championship belts at ICONIC!!!!!
Suddenly the lights dim and the sound of “I Get Off” by Halestorm fills the arena. The crowd stands on their feet and cheers loudly as Kirsta Lewis makes her way out on stage. Much like last week Kirsta Lewis is in a long dress, pink with laces this time, and instead of her trusty lead pipe she holding about a dozen of white roses. Kirsta takes a bow to the crowd with a frown on her face before regaining her proper upright form as she strolls her way down the ramp.
Bryan McVay: Introducing first from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida weighing in tonight at 130lbs. She is the Hellcat KIRSTA LEWISSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
Kirsta makes her way up the steel ring steps then gingerly walks along the ring apron while waving to the crowd. Kirsta steps through the ropes and enters the ring. Kirsta places her flowers down in the corner before reaching for the bottom of her dress and completely rips it off of her body to reveal an extra skimpy set of ring attire for tonight’s match.
Benny Newell: The last time I seen something that small squeezed into tight places I was flossing.
Joe Hoffman: No one wants to hear about what you did in the bathroom this morning Benny.
Benny Newell: This morning? What the fuck makes you think I’ve flossed in this DECADE?!
Joe Hoffman: Well… I uh… that’s just… I don’t know if that’s exactly…
Benny Newell: Tits Joe, Tits! Focus on the fucking Tits! DRINK!
Kirsta poses for a few times for the fans before reaching up to grab her flowers out of the corner once again. The lights in the arena go pitch black, as red lasers and spotlights light up the area. The video screen lights up and flashes across the screen, "Nothing survives my sting!" The crowd reaction is mixed, but there are more cheers than boos, as an electric guitar wails throughout the PA system and the words of Dave Mustaine's voice echoes throughout the arena, "As I climb onto your back, I will promise not to sting. I will, tell you what you want to hear and not mean anything. Then I, treat you like a dog, as I shoot my venom in. You pretend you didn't know, that I am The Scorpion, whoa!"
Joe Hoffman: I think we all know what this means!
Benny Newell: ...Huh?
The cheers intensify as the instrumental after the chorus hits the speakers, drawing out the man from Texas. Scott Stevens stands out proudly on stage wearing his flak jacket as he just soaks in the excitement of the crowd. Stevens looks completely determined here tonight as he slowly makes his way down the ramp towards the ring.
Bryan McVay: And her opponent from Houston, deep in the GREAT STATE of TEXAS! Weighing in tonight at 256lbs. He is The Scorpion SCOTT STEVENSSSSS!!!!!!!
Joe Hoffman: The only and only entrance of the Scorpion!
Benny Newell: ...Wha?!
Joe Hoffman: I’m talking about the arrival of Scott Stevens!
Benny Newell: …I have no idea why someone would do that, but I would totally butter my toast with her nipples.
Joe Hoffman: What in the hell are you talking about Benny?!
Benny Newell: The fuck? Sorry, I zoned out… did you say something?
Joe Hoffman: You’re disrespecting Scott Stevens right now!
Benny Newell: Well Scott Stevens is disrespecting my short attention span! All I care about is tits and this motherfucker takes a year to get to the ring. This is the most ridiculously long entrance in HOW right now so fuck off if I lost interest before that piece of shit even made it to the ring.
Scott Stevens walks around the ring a couple of times fist bumping the fans but never once taking his eyes off of Kirsta Lewis. Stevens rolls under the bottom rope and enters the ring. Stevens gets to his feet quickly then makes his way to the corner and begins climbing the turnbuckle. Stevens looks out at the crowd and gestures towards his waist that he’s bringing home the gold at ICONIC.
Joe Hoffman: Regardless of my partner’s opinion I think this is going to be one absolutely fascinating match and I know somewhere deep inside of this arena Jace Parker Davidson is watching closely.
Stevens hops down off of the turnbuckle and waits in his corner as referee Joel Hortega calls for the bell to signal the start of this tournament final match.
--DING DING DING--
Hortega steps away from the center of the ring and there is a tense moment where neither Scott Stevens or Kirsta Lewis makes a single move out of their respective corners. Stevens looks determined but Kirsta on the other hand is grinning ear to ear in an eerie fashion as she holds onto her white roses. Stevens cocks his head curiously but all is revealed as one by one Kirsta releases her grip on the roses letting them hit the canvas until the only thing remaining in her hand is a steel pipe with razor blades welded into it.
Joe Hoffman: Well Kirsta just let her intentions known right off the bat here tonight!
Benny Newell: Sweet mercy when Stevens takes that up the ass here in a few seconds I bet when he farts from now on it’ll sound like the number 5 pulling into Grand Central Station!
Kirsta charges out of her corner at full steam at Stevens with her pipe held high above her head. Kirsta swings for the fences looking to take out Stevens in one blow but Stevens manages to move out of the way quickly enough. Kirsta’s pipe connects with the top turnbuckle pad and becomes stuck there thanks to the razor blades.
Benny Newell: Don’t aim for his head! He only takes Tampons in the mouth because everything else goes up his ass!
Joe Hoffman: You have to wonder just how much influence Jace Parker Davidson has with Kirsta using this weapon tonight against Stevens as a measure of payback for last week.
Kirsta tries to dislodge the weapon but Stevens quickly takes advantage by grabbing a hold of Kirsta from behind and hits her with a belly to back suplex that takes her down to the canvas hard. Kirsta quickly gets back up to her feet but walks right into a discuss clotheslines from Stevens that sends her crumbling back down to the canvas. Stevens doesn’t give Kirsta time to breath as he pulls her back up to her feet and whips her into the opposite turnbuckle spine first hard. Hortega finally pulls Kirsta’s weapon from the turnbuckle pad and tosses it from the ring as Stevens gets a running start. Stevens leaps into the air and connects with a big time Stinger Splash in the corner that rocks the Hellcat.
Joe Hoffman: Stevens is rolling here and Kirsta hasn’t had any offense so far in this match!
Benny Newell: You just wait, that monkey is just working up a sweat. He’s just getting his asshole all nice and lubed for anal destruction!
Stevens backs away from the corner as Kirsta is on wobbly legs. Stevens hits the ropes as Kirsta is staggered before hitting her full force with a Stan Hanson style Lariat that just about decapitates her right in the center of the ring. However that isn’t enough as Stevens pulls himself up to his feet and begins to drag Kirsta back up to a vertical base while she’s still out of it. Stevens hooks Kirsta up then snaps her over with the Arachnid-Plex right in the center of the ring. Stevens bridges and holds for the cover as Hortega slides in for the count.
UNO!
DOS!
NO! Kirsta brakes the bridge and gets her shoulder off the canvas before the three!
Joe Hoffman: That was close Benny, we almost saw Scott Stevens advance to earn himself a shot at the HOW LSD & ICON Championship belts at ICONIC in dominant fashion.
Benny Newell: No way that happens Hoffhole, once a Lonesome Loser always a Lonesome Loser. Stevens just needs to bend over and take it like uh… well… a Stevens!
Joe Hoffman: That’s very inappropriate Benny and besides that saying is take it like a man.
Benny Newell: And I would have fucking said that if I was talking about a man but I’m not, I’m talking about a Stevens.
Joe Hoffman: Are you saying Stevens isn’t a man?!
Benny Newell: I’m saying there are former HOW flakes looking to rent out his womb right now to open up a Bistro because of its spacious ambience!
Stevens gets back up to his feet than takes advantage of the fact Kirsta hasn’t quite got it together yet and slaps on a reverse chinlock. Stevens pulls all his weight and strength into the hold trying to wear down his smaller opponent but Kirsta slowly but surely fights her way back up to a vertical base. Kirsta rears back and begins firing off rapid elbow shots to the ribs of Stevens trying to break the hold but they have little to no effort because Stevens’ flak jacket is absorbing all the damage.
Joe Hoffman: Great technical wrestling by Stevens here keeping the brutal hardcore style of Kirsta Lewis a non-factor here tonight!
Benny Newell: The fucking jacket is doing all the work!
Frustrated Kirsta finally stops down on the foot of Stevens as hard as she can which finally causes him to break the hold. Stevens hops around on one foot in pain but Kirsta leaps into the air and takes Stevens down to the canvas with a Lou Thesz press. Kirsta mounts herself on top of Stevens but instead of firing off right hands to his face Kirsta leans down and…
Benny Newell: Holy fuck is she kissing him?!?!
Joe Hoffman: NO! No, Kirsta is biting him, she’s biting Stevens on the nose!
Benny Newell: I bet it tastes like Townsend’s falafel.
Joel Hortega steps in and begins to pull Kirsta off of Stevens who kicks his feet while holding his nose in pain. Hortega finally get Kirsta off of him and tosses her towards the ropes as he goes to check on Stevens. However Stevens quickly pulls himself up to his feet now pissed the hell off at Kirsta. Stevens charges at Kirsta at full speed but at the last moment Kirsta pulls down the top rope sending Stevens tumbling over the top rope and down to the arena floor hard.
Joe Hoffman: It wasn’t the most conventional of ways but now Kirsta is in control of this match.
Kirsta takes a moment to shake the cobwebs loose before sliding out of the ring after Stevens. Kirsta grabs a hold of Stevens then walks him over around the ringside area before slamming him down head first onto the announcers table. Kirsta doesn’t let up as she grabs a hold of Stevens and pulls him up to his feet. Kirsta uses all of her strength to whip Stevens into the steel ring steps as hard as she can causing him to collide with them and flip completely over them before crashing down to the arena floor. Kirsta walks around the ringside area and then grabs a hold of a steel chair.
Benny Newell: What did I tell you Hoffman? Hardcore Whore style trumps faggot pants technical wrestling any day of the week!
Kirsta stalks around the ringside area as Stevens is barely moving. Stevens fights his way up to his hands and knees but Kirsta raises the steel chair high into the air. Kirsta lips over her bottom lip as she sends the steel chair crashing down across the spine of Scott Stevens with a brutal force. Stevens is limp on the arena floor as Kirsta takes the steel chair tosses it behind her back carelessly now that she’s done with it. Kirsta grabs a hold of Stevens and pulls him back up to a vertical base before rolling him back into the ring.
Joe Hoffman: I think it’s safe to say all Kirsta has to do is cover Stevens now and this one is over.
Instead of sliding into the ring to make the cover on Stevens like she should Kirsta instead grabs a hold of her steel pipe and slides back into the ring with it. Kirsta gets to her feet holding the pipe but Stevens isn’t moving or stirring at all on the canvas. Kirsta kicks and screams at Stevens to get up but Stevens doesn’t move a muscle.
Joe Hoffman: Why isn’t she pinning him?! This is over!
Benny Newell: This isn’t about pins! He’s lying on his stomach! It’s time! Here comes ANAL DESTRUCTION!!!
Kirsta leans down and begins to pull and tug at Stevens’ flak jacket trying to take it off but that finally gets Stevens moving. Kirsta steps back and begins measuring Stevens up as he slowly struggles back up to a vertical base.
Benny Newell: Prolapse his Texas bunghole!!!!
Stevens is up and Kirsta charges but Stevens sees her coming and hits her Double S Spinebuster that literally shakes the foundation of the ring.
Joe Hoffman: Yes! Wrestling prevails! Here’s the cover!
Kirsta loses grip of her weapon as Stevens indeed hooks the leg and makes the cover while Hortega slides in for the count.
UNO!
DOS!
TRE—NO!!!!!! Kirsta kicks out before the three!!!!
Joe Hoffman: That was so close and yet somehow Stevens just can’t seem to put Kirsta away!
Benny Newell: Funny since Kirsta loving being on her back.
Stevens gets back to his feet then grabs a hold of Kirsta and yanks her back up to a vertical base. Stevens lifts Kirsta up to his shoulders before connecting with Houston We Have A Problem right in the center of the ring. Stevens powers back up to his feet then grabs a hold of Kirsta by the hair drags her back up yet again. Stevens begins Kirsta over backwards then plants her down to the canvas with the Scorpion Death Drop. Stevens powers back up to his feet again completely pumped up as he stalks around Kirsta who is struggling to regain her vertical base. Stevens plants a boot to the mid-section then snaps it off perfectly with…
Joe Hoffman: THE TOXIC STING! WE HAVE A NEW NUMBER 1 CONTENDER!
Kirsta hits the canvas like a sack of shit from the impact of the finisher. Scott Stevens hooks the leg and makes the cover on Kirsta Lewis as Hortega slides in for the count.
UNO!
DOS!
TRES!
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KIRSTA GOT HER FOOT ON THE BOTTOM ROPE!!!!!!!
Joe Hoffman: I don’t understand how! I don’t understand how Kirsta has taken all of this punishment, hasn’t even attempted one pinfall and yet she’s still in this match?!
Benny Newell: This match don’t end until that pipe makes sweet fucking symphony with one traumatized Texan’s asshole.
Stevens can’t fucking believe it, he gets to his feet and jacks up Hortega by the collar but Hortega tells him it was only a two count. Stevens loses his mind and begins to tear off his flak jacket. Stevens paces around the ring until finally grabbing a hold of the steel pipe and lifting it up off of the canvas.
Scott Stevens: You want Brutal you fucking CUNT?! You want Hardcore?! Get the fuck up and I’ll show you just how fucking Brutal and Hardcore I can be!!!!!
Stevens yells at the top of his lungs as Kirsta slowly begins to use the ropes to pull herself back up to her feet. Stevens grips the pipe tightly as the crowd stands on their feet.
Joe Hoffman: Don’t do it Stevens! You’ve used wrestling this entire match and you’ve dominated! Don’t let desperate cloud your better judgment!
Kirsta holds onto the top rope to try and steady her wobbly legs as Stevens charges. Steven swing and completely levels Kirsta with a shot to the head with the steel pipe planting it into her skull in horrific fashion.
Joe Hoffman: Oh dear GOD! He’s murdered her!
Benny Newell: Kirsta’s a big girl, someone get her a tampon and a Milky Way, she’ll walk it off.
Stevens yanks the weapon away from Kirsta’s skull before she hits the canvas hard. Hortega gets in Stevens’ face and begins screaming to him in Spanish but Stevens pays Hortega no attention as he tosses the weapon to the outside of the ring. Again
Hortega gets in Stevens’ face but Stevens pushes Hortega out of the way as he steps through the ropes and begins climbing the turnbuckle. Kirsta is out cold on the canvas as Stevens perches himself on the top rope and signals for the finish. Stevens leaps off the top rope going for a big Five Star Frog Splash but with the last bit of energy she has Kirsta leaps back up to her feet from the dead! Kirsta leaps into the air catching Stevens in mid-air and begins him crashing down to the canvas with both her knees planted squarely into the unprotected ribs of the Scorpion.
Joe Hoffman: No Flak Jacket! She might have just broken all of his ribs!
Benny Newell: It’s not anal destruction but I’ll take it!
Stevens curls into a ball on the canvas in extreme amounts of pain as Kirsta quickly takes advantage. Kirsta hooks the leg and makes the cover on Stevens as the Hortega slides in.
UNO!
DOS!
TRES!
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Joe Hoffman: How did he kick out?! What is it going to take for every of these two to stay down?!
Benny Newell: They need to stop teasing my Murder boner and end this already!
Kirsta pulls herself back up to her feet and just leans against the corner completely spent covered from heads to tits in blood as somehow, some way Stevens refuses to remain lying on the canvas. He fights, he scratches, he crawls, he uses the ropes and even Hortega but finally Stevens is back up to a vertical base even though he shouldn’t be medical able to stand right now. Kirsta charges and then snaps off the final note in this epic war with a HELL’S BITCH KICK! Kirsta falls to the canvas and lays an arm over Stevens as Hortega slides in.
UNO!
DOS!
TRES!!!!!!!
DING DING DING
Bryan McVay: Here is your winner and the #1 contender to the HOW LSD & ICON Championship belts at ICONIC…. KIRSSSSSSSTAAAAAAA LEWWWWWWWISSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
Joe Hoffman: It was bloody, it was brutal, it was a fucking war but in the end it’s Kirsta Lewis that gets one more crack at Jace Parker Davidson and the HOW LSD & ICON Championship belts!
Benny Newell: I told you Hoffhole you don’t fight nature. Lonesome Loser’s always lose… it’s what they do!
EMT’s rush down to the ring to check on both wrestlers as we cut away to the backstage area of the arena.