Post by Jman2k3 on Jun 11, 2018 18:09:39 GMT
The HOW logo gives way to the Best Studios logo. There is no pyrotechnics. A man in a #970000 colored red suit stands in the ring. The man is not Lee Best. In fact, he is not a member of the Best family at all. This man is Lee Best's number 2. He… is Christopher America.
Christopher America: I'm out here tonight to draw something out of the shadows and bring it into the light.
Last week, I hinted that the Lethal Lottery would be taking place tonight. Some of the peons in the back got it, others didn't. You'll notice that tonight you won't be seeing all of the HOW wrestlers competing.
The crowd boos.
Christopher America: Oh! No-no-no-no-NO! There are some wrestlers who might be in the back now that thought, "You know what? I have a chance to win a championship, but you know what? Fuck that! I don't want to win a fucking championship."
Even worse? Some of them are like….
"Oh, gee, Christopher America, just told me last week that the top six competitors are going to compete for the vacant World Championship at Rumble at the Rock. Nah. I don't think I'll fucking show up tonight. Not only do I not want to win a fucking championship, I don't want to fucking compete for the World Championship at Rumble at the Rock. I am fucking lazy ass piece of shit.
Oh and never you fucking mind that I had an entire fucking week to prepare. AN ENTIRE FUCKING WEEK! Nah, fuck that. I'm not going to prepare. I'm not going to put an ounce of fucking work into this week. I'M NOT GOING TO EARN MY FUCKING PAYCHECK! I'M NOT GOING TO DO A DAMN THING! IN FACT, I'M GOING TO PROVE TO EVERY SINGLE FUCKING PERSON THAT I DO NOT BELONG ON THIS ROSTER!"
The crowd, somewhat shocked, finds themselves clapping for America's speech.
Christopher America: 99% of the wrestlers that you are going to see tonight actually gave a shit. Yeah, 99%. See if you guys can guess which fucking wrestler makes up the 1%. Anyways… the 99%…. they are the ones who actually put forth work. They are the ones who actually gave a shit.
To those that didn't show up. Fuck you.
To those that did… do me a favor… show those fuckers what actual fucking talent and dedication looks like.
The crowd now breaks into massive cheers.
Christopher America: Shut the fuck up! I don't need your fucking approval.
The crowd immediately shifts to boos.
Christopher America: Tonight, the opening match was scheduled to be a 5 man elimination match to determine a number one contender for the HOW Television Championship. But that's not happening. You know why? Because two wrestlers couldn't bother to show their fucking faces. So now, to once again show MY POWER, I'm changing the match to a triple threat match. One fall. One finish.
Now….
Let's see who is going to be in the first match. AND GET ME A DAMN REFEREE!
Joel Hortega rushes out from the back.
Christopher America: It would have to be the Mexican, wouldn't it? God damnit.
Joe Hoffman: Ladies and gentlemen, what a way to kick off Monday Night Mayhem. Christopher America has laid down the law!
Benny Newell: You damn right! And it's about time. Who the fuck doesn't want a title opportunity? Even I did! That's why I faced Mike Best! And I won the match! And now, I'm the new ICON Champion!
Joe Hoffman: You aren't the ICON Champion. You barely held your own against Mike in a drinking contest!
Benny Newell: But---I thought----
Joe Hoffman: Do you even remember that night?
Benny Newell: I----no.
"I Am The Cool" plays as Cancer Jiles makes his way out to a mixed reaction. "I Stand Alone" by Godsmack and "Amazing" by Kanye West plays as Scott Stevens makes his way out to a mixed reaction as well. Finally, "(S)aint" by Marilyn Manson plays as Jace Parker Davidson makes his way out to a chorus of boos.
Joe Hoffman: This is very interesting!
Benny Newell: I'll say! I've never seen a woman who can do that! I bet she had some vertebrae removed or something!
Hoffman smacks the "PLAYBOY" out of Benny's hands.
Joe Hoffman: I'm talking about the match!
Benny Newell: Shut the fuck up. It hasn't even started yet.
Hortega checks over everyone and calls for the bell.
DING DING DING!
Joe Hoffman: This should be interesting as both Jace Parker Davidson and Scott Stevens have lost to Kirsta Lewis in TV Title matches.
Benny Newell: And then there is Cancer Jiles. Take off his glasses and his eyes are probably blood shot. He probably did a whole bag of weed before he came out. I mean, he is to weed what cookie monster is to fucking cookies.
Jace looks dead on at Stevens and then turns, charges at Jiles and hits a hard lariat. Jiles folds inside out and crumples to the mat. Jace smirks and motions with his hands towards Stevens. Stevens scowls and picks up Jiles. He wrenches in a facelock, hoists and lifts Jiles up. He falls back and lets Jiles fall to the mat.
Joe Hoffman: Beautiful standing suplex.
Benny Newell: Guess who the fucking 1% was that America was talking about?
Jace goes over and picks up Jiles. He hoists him up and hits a quick snap suplex. Jace then floats and goes for a pin.
UNO
Stevens runs over and shoves him off, forcing Jace out of the ring. He picks up Jiles and hits a DDT. He then goes for a cover.
UNO
Jace slides back into the ring.
DOS
Jace breaks up the pinfall.
He grabs Stevens by the head and tights, spins him around and then throws him over the top rope. Jace grabs Jiles, he spins him around, throws him headfirst into the ringpost and then schoolboys him.
UNO
DOS
NO!
Stevens breaks up the hold by dropping a knee to the back of Jace's head. He then follows up with more knees to the back of Jace's head. Jace rolls away as Stevens covers.
UNO
DOS
NO!
Joe Hoffman: Jiles is taking all the punishment.
Benny Newell: He's a fucking whipping boy. In fact, that douchebag is so fucking stoned, he probably thinks this beating is from a bitch who enjoys S&M.
Jace breaks up the pin. He pulls Stevens up and whips him across the ring. Jace ducks and Stevens stops. He kicks Jace hard in the face, sending Jace reeling. Stevens then bounces off the ropes and hits a hard lariat of his own, sending Jace out of the ring. Stevens wastes no time and grabs Jiles. He picks him up, kicks him in the gut and….
Joe Hoffman: TOXIC STING!
Benny Newell: Is this match done? I need to spread my man batter on something, preferably some big fucking tits.
Joe Hoffman: It's over!
UNO
DOS
TRE----
Joe Hoffman: WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!
Crowd: HO-LY SHIT! HO-LY SHIT! HO-LY SHIT!
Joe Hoffman: I don't believe it! Jace Parker Davidson just hit the Awakening on Stevens and Jiles while they were in a pinning attempt! Jace quickly moves in and rolls Stevens out of the ring. Jace covers Jiles.
UNO
DOS
TRES!
DING DING DING
Brian McVay: Here is your winner…. and the number one contender for the Televeision Championship….. JACE PARKER DAAAAAAVIDSOOOOONNNNNNNNN!
Joe Hoffman: A game of one-ups-man-ship turns into a bad beatdown for Cancer Jiles and Jace Parker Davidson now finds himself once again in the driver's seat for TV Title!
Benny Newell: Who cares? Move the fuck on! I want to see Kirsta's big floppy tits next. Oh man, they could fit in my hand and I bet they are full of milk, milk I'd love to suck from her tits.
Benny begins making sucking sounds as Joe Hoffman facepalms.
Christopher America: I'm out here tonight to draw something out of the shadows and bring it into the light.
Last week, I hinted that the Lethal Lottery would be taking place tonight. Some of the peons in the back got it, others didn't. You'll notice that tonight you won't be seeing all of the HOW wrestlers competing.
The crowd boos.
Christopher America: Oh! No-no-no-no-NO! There are some wrestlers who might be in the back now that thought, "You know what? I have a chance to win a championship, but you know what? Fuck that! I don't want to win a fucking championship."
Even worse? Some of them are like….
"Oh, gee, Christopher America, just told me last week that the top six competitors are going to compete for the vacant World Championship at Rumble at the Rock. Nah. I don't think I'll fucking show up tonight. Not only do I not want to win a fucking championship, I don't want to fucking compete for the World Championship at Rumble at the Rock. I am fucking lazy ass piece of shit.
Oh and never you fucking mind that I had an entire fucking week to prepare. AN ENTIRE FUCKING WEEK! Nah, fuck that. I'm not going to prepare. I'm not going to put an ounce of fucking work into this week. I'M NOT GOING TO EARN MY FUCKING PAYCHECK! I'M NOT GOING TO DO A DAMN THING! IN FACT, I'M GOING TO PROVE TO EVERY SINGLE FUCKING PERSON THAT I DO NOT BELONG ON THIS ROSTER!"
The crowd, somewhat shocked, finds themselves clapping for America's speech.
Christopher America: 99% of the wrestlers that you are going to see tonight actually gave a shit. Yeah, 99%. See if you guys can guess which fucking wrestler makes up the 1%. Anyways… the 99%…. they are the ones who actually put forth work. They are the ones who actually gave a shit.
To those that didn't show up. Fuck you.
To those that did… do me a favor… show those fuckers what actual fucking talent and dedication looks like.
The crowd now breaks into massive cheers.
Christopher America: Shut the fuck up! I don't need your fucking approval.
The crowd immediately shifts to boos.
Christopher America: Tonight, the opening match was scheduled to be a 5 man elimination match to determine a number one contender for the HOW Television Championship. But that's not happening. You know why? Because two wrestlers couldn't bother to show their fucking faces. So now, to once again show MY POWER, I'm changing the match to a triple threat match. One fall. One finish.
Now….
Let's see who is going to be in the first match. AND GET ME A DAMN REFEREE!
Joel Hortega rushes out from the back.
Christopher America: It would have to be the Mexican, wouldn't it? God damnit.
Joe Hoffman: Ladies and gentlemen, what a way to kick off Monday Night Mayhem. Christopher America has laid down the law!
Benny Newell: You damn right! And it's about time. Who the fuck doesn't want a title opportunity? Even I did! That's why I faced Mike Best! And I won the match! And now, I'm the new ICON Champion!
Joe Hoffman: You aren't the ICON Champion. You barely held your own against Mike in a drinking contest!
Benny Newell: But---I thought----
Joe Hoffman: Do you even remember that night?
Benny Newell: I----no.
"I Am The Cool" plays as Cancer Jiles makes his way out to a mixed reaction. "I Stand Alone" by Godsmack and "Amazing" by Kanye West plays as Scott Stevens makes his way out to a mixed reaction as well. Finally, "(S)aint" by Marilyn Manson plays as Jace Parker Davidson makes his way out to a chorus of boos.
Joe Hoffman: This is very interesting!
Benny Newell: I'll say! I've never seen a woman who can do that! I bet she had some vertebrae removed or something!
Hoffman smacks the "PLAYBOY" out of Benny's hands.
Joe Hoffman: I'm talking about the match!
Benny Newell: Shut the fuck up. It hasn't even started yet.
Hortega checks over everyone and calls for the bell.
DING DING DING!
Joe Hoffman: This should be interesting as both Jace Parker Davidson and Scott Stevens have lost to Kirsta Lewis in TV Title matches.
Benny Newell: And then there is Cancer Jiles. Take off his glasses and his eyes are probably blood shot. He probably did a whole bag of weed before he came out. I mean, he is to weed what cookie monster is to fucking cookies.
Jace looks dead on at Stevens and then turns, charges at Jiles and hits a hard lariat. Jiles folds inside out and crumples to the mat. Jace smirks and motions with his hands towards Stevens. Stevens scowls and picks up Jiles. He wrenches in a facelock, hoists and lifts Jiles up. He falls back and lets Jiles fall to the mat.
Joe Hoffman: Beautiful standing suplex.
Benny Newell: Guess who the fucking 1% was that America was talking about?
Jace goes over and picks up Jiles. He hoists him up and hits a quick snap suplex. Jace then floats and goes for a pin.
UNO
Stevens runs over and shoves him off, forcing Jace out of the ring. He picks up Jiles and hits a DDT. He then goes for a cover.
UNO
Jace slides back into the ring.
DOS
Jace breaks up the pinfall.
He grabs Stevens by the head and tights, spins him around and then throws him over the top rope. Jace grabs Jiles, he spins him around, throws him headfirst into the ringpost and then schoolboys him.
UNO
DOS
NO!
Stevens breaks up the hold by dropping a knee to the back of Jace's head. He then follows up with more knees to the back of Jace's head. Jace rolls away as Stevens covers.
UNO
DOS
NO!
Joe Hoffman: Jiles is taking all the punishment.
Benny Newell: He's a fucking whipping boy. In fact, that douchebag is so fucking stoned, he probably thinks this beating is from a bitch who enjoys S&M.
Jace breaks up the pin. He pulls Stevens up and whips him across the ring. Jace ducks and Stevens stops. He kicks Jace hard in the face, sending Jace reeling. Stevens then bounces off the ropes and hits a hard lariat of his own, sending Jace out of the ring. Stevens wastes no time and grabs Jiles. He picks him up, kicks him in the gut and….
Joe Hoffman: TOXIC STING!
Benny Newell: Is this match done? I need to spread my man batter on something, preferably some big fucking tits.
Joe Hoffman: It's over!
UNO
DOS
TRE----
Joe Hoffman: WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!
Crowd: HO-LY SHIT! HO-LY SHIT! HO-LY SHIT!
Joe Hoffman: I don't believe it! Jace Parker Davidson just hit the Awakening on Stevens and Jiles while they were in a pinning attempt! Jace quickly moves in and rolls Stevens out of the ring. Jace covers Jiles.
UNO
DOS
TRES!
DING DING DING
Brian McVay: Here is your winner…. and the number one contender for the Televeision Championship….. JACE PARKER DAAAAAAVIDSOOOOONNNNNNNNN!
Joe Hoffman: A game of one-ups-man-ship turns into a bad beatdown for Cancer Jiles and Jace Parker Davidson now finds himself once again in the driver's seat for TV Title!
Benny Newell: Who cares? Move the fuck on! I want to see Kirsta's big floppy tits next. Oh man, they could fit in my hand and I bet they are full of milk, milk I'd love to suck from her tits.
Benny begins making sucking sounds as Joe Hoffman facepalms.